Raising children who do their work cheerfully (or at least without grumbling) and have a heart for serving is a big deal to us. I think it should be a big deal to any Christian family. But children usually don’t just “serve naturally.”  None of us does, though some possess more of a gift for serving.
In addition to teaching our children that “Christ came not to be served, but to serve”, I think we must be proactive toward developing that characteristic, especially in a culture where “others first” is so foreign. Below is a portion of an article I wrote for Homeschool Enrichment Magazine about raising children who love to help:
The Power of Words:
“The words that you speak to your children will largely impact the kind of children they will become, and the character they will develop. “As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he.” It is up to parents, to guide “the thinking of the heart.”  Words are your most powerful weapon in shaping the thinking of your children. Let me give you an example of something I might say to help my children develop a heart for serving :
(Stop what I’m doing, and kneel down, looking into the child’s eyes…) “I just saw you pick up the toys that you got out. Do you know what a blessing that is to me? When you help like that, your little sisters and brothers see you, and then they want to help. What you just did was so responsible and diligent. I am so proud of the way you are a part of this team.”
Of course we affirm our children just for being who they are; but there are practical steps to building their character.
What about a child who struggles with being a “team member”? These children need extra amounts of praise, and sometimes discipline for their lack of cooperation. But I try to look especially hard for small steps in the right direction, and then just make a really big deal about it. You will be amazed at the difference it makes!
Another thing that works well as you praise their efforts, is to point them out to the other children, and later to their Dad. Sometimes I stop and say, “Everybody come look at ______…she is doing such a great job washing dishes!” And then I may turn to the child and say “I am so glad God gave you to us…you are a gift!”
A point to be made about the power of words, is that you can completely change a person’s habits by speaking about him the way you wish he were. Not lying, mind you, but taking every tiny opportunity to speak in a positive direction. Sometimes, if a child is struggling with completing tasks in a timely manner, I will just say one day, “Wow, you are so fast! You really got that job done quickly!” And it instantly sparks the desire in them to be more efficient.
It is all about expressing through various ways, that your children are valuable, that they are an important part of your family, that they are significant. Everyone wants to feel like his existence is meaningful; it is your job to communicate that. The tendency is to wait until they are older to communicate such things, but that is a mistake. You must begin at a very early age expressing your deepest appreciation and love to them. I think, tragically, this is one of the missing elements of modern families. Because each member is involved in his or her own pursuits, there is little time for the members to feel like they belong together, working toward a common goal. They all have different friends, different schedules, different interests. I fear that much of the rebellion Christian parents are experiencing from their children is related to the lack of “ties” among the family members.”
So it helps me to remember, as I go throughout my day, that this time-consuming but important job of building character through reminder, praise, correction and family ties is worth it.
18 comments
That’s some good advice 🙂 Something my husband and I do is give each child a “real” or “grown up” job to do. My husband taught our 4 year old daughter to lock all the locks on the doors at night. Our 2 year old son catches and/or kills all bugs in the house. (EVERYONE in our house knows what an important job this is, because Mommy is so terrified of bugs that I will refuse to leave the bedroom until it’s gone! ha ha). So my son gets to feel like he is helping to “protect” Mommy.
Great article! No one can believe how much my daughter does around the house. I cannot believe that they are willingly setting their children up to not be able to run their own home!
Thank you for these words! I am constantly trying to teach my oldest (4 yo DD) to help and do her chores cheerfully. Raised in a very perfectionistic, child-centered, negative home, it is so natural for me to only point out how she fails to reach the mark – and it does nothing but crush her spirit (as it did mine.) I’m having to retrain myself to praise, thank, and positively motivate. Any examples you can give of situations and words spoken helps!! (Without teaching them to expect praise everytime or to only work for show and vanity… there must be a line there somewhere…)
i loved reading this. at my sister’s house, we do the same thing when we can, and the kids are happy to help out. i’ve even caught my nephew (6) praising his sister (2 1/2) for helping him ‘wow kaia, you picked up my toys too! thank you that was helpful!’ (we try to remember these moments in those ‘hey that’s mine put it back’ moments) 😉
This is OT for this particular post,but I thought you mind find this World Net Daily story interesting:
http://www.wnd.com/index.php?fa=PAGE.view&pageId=109898
This is OT for this particular post,but I thought you might find this World Net Daily story interesting:
http://www.wnd.com/index.php?fa=PAGE.view&pageId=109898
In answer to your grammar question: “None” is a singular subject and “of us” a prepositional phrase, so one should use “does”, as in “None does.” You were right :)!
I teach English grammar to homeschooled students and their parents as well as to my own six children, three of whom have graduated homeschool at age 15 and all of whom use grammar liberally in their adult lives (eldest — 29 — is a 3rd grade teacher/linguist, #2 daughter — 26 — worked for a magazine for years, and #3 daughter — 20 — got a free ride through her first years of college editing the school newspaper!).
We’re currently in our 23rd year of homeschooling; we have dairy goats and sell the milk (another ministry) and our boys, ages 11 and 16, are on the autistic spectrum. Caboose baby Elianna is only seven. I figure I’ll be an official homeschool veteran by the time we’re done!
And, yes, we’re still working on training our children to work. I can attest to the fact that doing so pays great dividends into the adult years. Our older girls have a fantastic work ethic and we endeavor to impart that to our younger ones still at home EVERY SINGLE DAY.
Kim Walters, an “older woman”, goat farmer, and grammar mom in Oregon
Managers of Their Chores and Managers of Their Homes by the Maxwells has been such a big help for me. I was raised like a princess so didn’t have a clue about working and serving so how in the world was I going to pass it on. In the chores book the Maxwells have a chapter on work and serving that we have used as a short term study with our children. This is yet another wonderful benefit of having a large family because life just doesn’t work if everybody is not pitching in! I could seemingly “manage” it all with 2 or 3 but now with almost 9 – well, there is no way I can get it all done which is a blessing in disguise. The Lord knew I needed some humbling and my children needed some training. I also see this as a huge part of raising our girls, part of their curriculum -teaching them to run a home SMOOTHLY (I’m learning along with them – I love it!!)
Kim,
Thanks! I chose “none does” based on the explanation you gave. However, I think I read that if the object of the prep. was “close enough” (in meaning?) you need to use the other??? Anyway, we (meaning my parents next door) raise goats too–how fun!
Oh Kelly, Thank you so much for posting this! I get so discouraged sometimes when I don’t see positive behavior in my children. I have tried so hard to be sweet to the boys even when I feel so exasperated inside. Sweetness is good, but your encouragement to actually *say* positive words of affirmation to build up my children was just the advice I needed. I feel like I have so much to learn as a parent! I think this is the missing key! I tried it today with my oldest son (I was frustrated but I said “I appreciate you”, etc….and he IMMEDIATELY responded by doing extra things on his own. Thank you again. I am sure I have read this advice from you before, but I tend to forget these things so easily!
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God Bless,
Deanna
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How did you know EXACTLY what I needed to hear tonight?? I must have “gone off” on my kids 5 or 6 times today and was discouraged about their unwillingness to do more than the minimum, have to be told exactly what to do, blah blah, you may know the lecture.
All I know is that whatever I am doing doesn’t seem very effective and I feel worse afterward.
A word fitly spoken… thank you so much for this HUGE encouragement to me today.
Mandi,
We look forward to your husband being in our neck of the woods this weekend!
I just posted on serving earlier today. Thanks for the encouragement.
This is a beautiful post, Kelly. I love the example of what you would say to encourage the child and how you would say it. Can I share a sweet little (well, maybe not so little)lesson I learned some years ago?
I (already a grandmother) was helping a homeschooling mom who was going through a rough spot in her life with her children. I had a special relationship with her youngest, a 2 or 3-year old at the time. She was very bright, sweet, cute, and strong-willed, but we had such a great relationship that the strong-willed part was never really a problem with me.
Sometimes, at that early 2-year old stage, when she would balk at obeying me on some simple thing, I’d point it out to her and say, “Let’s practice.” If, for example, I’d just say, “Come here, Annie” and she just ignored me, I’d give her a very short explanation along the lines of “Annie, you should come when the person taking care of you calls you. Let’s practice.”
Then I’d have her go back to whatever she was doing, in the same spot, and repeat my original instruction. She would always obey right away, and it was almost like a game, yet she knew it was serious and important. Sometimes we’d do it more than once, and I’d give her a big hug and sincere commendation when she did the right thing.
One day, I admonished her rather strongly for what I thought was a direct disobedience, based on a quick observation of things (circumstantial evidence, so to speak, ha!) Then somehow I realized I was wrong, and I felt really bad, and apologized very sincerely.
In a very sweet tone, Annie (not her real name, by the way, but almost as cute as her real name) said, “Auntie, let’s practice.” So we did!
I was very gratified that she had said this in a sweet way.
Anyway, thanks for your post.
You said this up in your post:
“Words are your most powerful weapon in shaping the thinking of your children.”
But I’ll quote the oft-quoted cliche: “Actions speak louder than words.”
I agree that encouraging your children when they do help cheerfully (or even just without whining) will increase their willingness to help, and this can be very useful, especially with a child who thrives on “extrinsic motivation”. But I’ve found that doing a job cheerfully myself is a greater motivater for my daughter to join in with the task.
For example: several months ago, I taught my daughter (who is 4 and a half) to fold towels and underwear. She wanted to help me fold laundry, which is not one of my favorite tasks, but I do find it relaxing. And she sees that I don’t mind doing this task, so she wanted to join in. This morning, she jumped in while I was folding a basket, and found a towel to fold, so I gave her all the little towels. Then she moved on to underwear, then folded her baby brother’s pants. After the laundry was folded and in the basket, I said thank you very gratefully, and gave her a hug and kiss, telling her how much I love it when she helps me with the laundry.
I want her to learn how to do the job correctly, but more importantly, I want to be a model of a good worker for her. I’ve worked in restaurants, and one of the hardest things for me working in a restaurant kitchen is that there are people who do not have respect for hard work. I had a daily 2 hour task of resetting a sandwich station, while also filling orders, and I worked very hard at this job. But there were others who worked with me at times who seemed to not care about their job at all. It was frustrating working with adults who had never learned the value of hard work. I want my children to work hard at any job they do, at home or in the workplace, and the only way I can make sure of that (but there are no guarantees) is to model that same work ethic in everything I do, too. This is what my own parents did for me, and I will try to do the same for my children.
Good point, Abby, about our example. That’s why I was so happy when Annie said, “Auntie, let’s practice!” so sweetly. It showed me that I had not come across harshly, but kindly.