motherhood/family/parenting

I have these little “parent awakenings” every now and then. My latest is about deliberate parenting.

Deliberate training takes deliberate thought, deliberate action, and the vision to understand the importance of being deliberate. It’s so simple we almost miss it. But it’s so important, we can’t afford to!

As my husband and I randomly talked the other night about the socialist society we live in, and “how we got here”, it dawned on me…. we, too, can be guilty of skewing our children’s understanding of life, of God, and how it all fits together.

This generation loves socialism because they grew up having parents who “loved them enough” to give them what they wanted. Free. Free cars, free clothes, free sports, free camp, free education…little responsibility attached.

Why would those children grow up and expect anything less?

Once upon a time, biblical principles taught themselves.

“If a man doesn’t work, he doesn’t eat.”

And children knew if they didn’t help their parents plant the corn, hoe the rows, milk the cow, etc., THEY WOULDN’T EAT.

They watched their father pray for rain and saw the labor of their hands mingle with the miracle of life from the ground as their very food sprang up from it.

Those days are mostly gone.

And I was thinking about how we all–and especially our children, take the simple act of sitting down to a meal for granted.

It’s “free food” to them. It just appears. We always have it.

How can I teach my children that “if a man doesn’t work, he doesn’t eat”?

By pointing out the necessity of the entire family working together to keep our household running. By showing them that their diligence to take care of household chores, helping with the other children, looking for ways to make everyone’s load lighter–these are practical things that hold keys to life implications.

By talking about it, and pointing what they already do to a Scriptural concept. (A friend of mine has a pick-up before lunch, at which point she quotes the verse 😉

Make the connection. Use your days to teach the wisdom of God. This principle can be applied to any Scriptural truth, but we must be deliberate about applying it.

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Deep breath–let’s get down to business!

Siblings rub each other the wrong way; but then again, don’t we all, living together, take each other for granted? We grown-ups know better, but still have a hard time! I’m encouraged that if we can focus on developing habits of friendship among our children while they’re young, they will have an easier time of it when they’re grown.

I think family was God’s most brilliant idea. What better way to mold us into His image? And so, let’s lay that ground work for our children, explaining to them that irritations and frustrations are actually blessings for which we must be thankful.

(And let me clarify, before we get started: I’m not going to address differences of doctrine regarding salvation, but I know that the Bible teaches us to raise our children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. That means we start treating them as belonging to God from the time they are born. We don’t wait until we are certain they are saved to begin…such is not biblical. So it goes without being said that in some cases, a undesirable behavior can only be solved by a work of the Holy Spirit. But much of a character can be trained, as a habit, even apart from salvation.)

There are some basic concepts that I wanted to list that will intertwine our efforts to train our children to be friends. We will be reminding them of this:

1. God placed just the brothers and sisters you have, in just this order, in our family for your good.
2. It is OK to disagree; but there is a right way and a wrong way to do it.
3. You are best friends.
4. The investment you make in your relationships now, will be a blessing or a curse to your friendship with each other as adults.
5. The older ones are more responsible for modeling right behavior and responses.

Elizabeth, at Raising Godly Tomatoes, teaches a careful monitoring of behavior in order to “bend” it in the right direction. She writes:

“How much wiser to be your child’s tomato stake from early on, keeping him close to you beyond infancy, training him constantly to be as you want him to be — a godly child and eventually a godly adult. If you do this, eventually, when he is grown, he will be strong in the ways you have trained him and will not easily be persuaded toward the viewpoint and ways others.

Tomato Staking is a powerful tool that enables preemptive parenting. When you Tomato Stake, you can anticipate wrong attitudes and misbehaviors and nip things in the bud before they become ingrained habits. You are right there to encourage right behavior as well.”

This is a great place to start, because frankly, we can’t train behavior if we’re not there, or too preoccupied. Training little characters is A LOT of work! This is one of the most important reasons I see for mothers being keepers at home. Training the character of a child is a constant, tireless job, requiring a huge portion of our time. There is a terrible dearth of untrained characters among our generation!

I think it would be wise to gather your children (or your husband could do this) and “announce” that you are going to be working with them in some areas of relationships. Go over the list above, and ask them each to prayerfully consider the importance of modeling Christ-like love among each other.

Then, make a list of what you see as your top difficulties; as you note the undesired responses (grabbing, whining, tattling, lying, hitting, etc.) make a note of desired responses.

Just as important as pointing out a child’s fault with his behavior, is giving him the appropriate way to deal with his frustrations. You need to be ready to do that. From here out, when a child is disciplined for wrong behavior, give him the appropriate response to replace it.

I will address some specific problems in the next post–this one got too long in a hurry!

“I charge you–you are holding change in your hand!”

Would it be over-simplistic if I said that virtually every national problem can be traced back to a personal one? That national crises are just a blaring reflection of our personal failure to live responsibly?

As I listen to the news and ponder the mess on every side, I am discouraged, but not for too long!

Rebuilding hope is not complicated. But it takes a certain mettle…a stubborn tenacity…a face like flint.

It takes the kind of fear in God that leaves no room for the fear of man. A passion for truth that drives men through peril or sword.

And we have that opportunity! If the large-scaled crisis is to be solved, it must be solved in individuals–in us, and in our children.

A few connections I’ve been thinking about this weekend:

National Debt (understatement of the year):

Our government operates just as we do on a personal level. We spend money we don’t have to buy things we can’t afford.

Why? Because, here it is folks, “we wanted to give our children a better life”. So, we defined “better” primarily as “more things”. And when our neighbors gave their kids more things, we felt compelled to do the same. But we couldn’t afford it, so we borrowed the things. Little did we know, our neighbors had too. But our children didn’t know. They were just being taught that they were entitled.

Many Americans Expect the Government to Take Care of Them.

Why? Because in providing our children “a better life”, we also decided to protect them. From everything–even their own sinfulness. We had our little girls put on birth control so she wouldn’t be, as Obama is fond of saying, “punished with a baby”.

When our sons got into a fight at school, we raised our hands to the authorities that threatened to discipline him and taught him that one doesn’t really have to suffer consequences for wrong behavior.

Our Government is Corrupt

We raised a generation of children who were given to the state for their character training…we were too busy “providing a better life” for them. We ignored the commands of Scripture when it comes to child-rearing, and followed Dr. Spock instead. We did not teach them responsibility in matters of finance and personal behavior.

All these children are now grown and running the place. When the masses become enslaved to debt, the nation does.

When the masses expect someone to bail them out of trouble, they look to the “Big Mama” to do it.

When the masses fail to exercise responsibility and character in small matters, the nation fails to do so in big matters.

I charge you–you are holding change in your hand! Satan is no fool…all he had to do was to convince us that raising children was insignificant. That family unity is optional, and home is a waste of time. BAM! He’s got the whole nation crashing down!

Teach your children truth and require them to live it. Teach them the fear and love of God, and respect for life. Show them that the Word of God has answers for every facet of living. Teach them to esteem others better than themselves. Teach them the things of life that matter. Be vigilant and fearless.

It really is simple:

Here is an excellent resource for helping parents teach character traits to their children:

The Character Journal

I print these out and keep a notebook. This can really help your husband organize family devotions.