motherhood/family/parenting

As I promised in the last post, Cultivating Family Relationships, I wanted to attempt to provide some practical ways we can tie the strings of fellowship in our homes.

Do we even understand how important this is? The modern American family spends enormous time and energy in pursuits like sports, careers, entertainment and education, but often neglect the far more important pursuit of relationships with one another!  Scripture says that we’ll be identified as Christians by our love for each other.

Do they know we are Christians by our love?

Time and Talking.

Hands down, there is NOTHING that will replace this vital aspect of building relationships.  It’s  foundational. Without it, nothing else we do will mean much.  Don’t take for granted that living in the same house will automatically make you close to one another.

I think of Jesus as He discipled his followers.  Lots of time and talking all throughout the day (as in Deuteronomy).

“Nothing in the home life needs to be more carefully watched and more diligently cultivated that the conversation. It should be imbued with the spirit of love. No bitter word should ever be spoken. The language of husband and wife in their intercourse together should always be tender. Anger in word, or even in tone, should never be suffered. Chiding and faultfinding should never be permitted to mar the sacredness of their speech. The warmth and tenderness of their hearts should flow out in every word that they utter to each other. As parents, too, in their intercourse with their children, they should never speak save in words of Christlike gentleness. It is a fatal mistake to suppose that children’s lives can grow up into beauty in an atmosphere of strife…” -JR Miller

Statistics

I shudder to see statistics of television-viewing. (I’m not “anti-tv”, I’m just a realist about what it’s doing to our families.) And if you do the math, both spouses usually go separate ways for the day, children go separate ways, everyone comes home and takes care of responsibilities, then, not only do they veg out in front of the tv, but most families watch different sets in different rooms!

The average family doesn’t even sit down to dinner together at night.  When are they having meaningful conversation, getting to know each other, tying heart strings?

Is it any wonder we don’t see the strong, loving bonds among family members that should be there?  That many husbands and wives become better friends with people at work, and siblings’ “best friends” hardly ever include each other? I urge you to think about how important your family relationships are and be willing to do even what may seem hard in order to nurture them.

It requires a concerted effort to create an atmosphere where conversation thrives.  We have to be deliberate about guarding our time and allowing plenty of room for face to face interaction.  Let’s do what we have to do to make it happen!

Next post:  Helping Siblings Bond

Fellowship.  Friendship.  Relationships.

Building family relationships is a vital part of  what makes a family.  If heart strings aren’t being tied there, if the family isn’t being “kindly affectioned one toward another with tenderly love, in honor preferring one another,” if the closest, deepest, most intimate bonds are not within the home, we should hardly pretend to be Christians elsewhere.

It’s true, the tendency is to take family for granted.  They have to love us, after all.  But if we believe that our faith is built upon a love the Bible describes throughout, that there must be unity among professing believers if there is anything genuine about that faith, then we are but hypocrites if we don’t work to cultivate unity, love, affection and preference for the others in our homes.

It’s Hard Work

But, it’s hard work.  As a mom home with eight children all day, there is nothing I do more than help my children (and oh boy, myself) learn how to deal with conflict, strife and selfishness.  It’s almost a constant job, as any parent knows who disciples children all day.

But I consider it the most important one.  Because as we daily–no, hourly deal with conflict, we are forced to reckon that in our flesh, we are pretty wretched. But there is a cross and a Savior and every messy struggle brings us there again and we get to revel in the glory of forgiveness.  We are faced every minute with our desperate need of a Redeemer because of how He has positioned us in families. We can’t (or we shouldn’t) walk away.  We must reconcile.  Isn’t it beautiful?

We must understand that sibling strife is a reality.  We must NOT accept it as “normal,” however.

We must understand that our own sinful responses are a reality.  We must NOT accept it as “normal,” however.

There are three channels of relationships that have to be continually nurtured in a home:  husband and wife, parents and children, and sibling with sibling.

Time

The most important element I’ve discovered in tying heart strings is TIME.  It is virtually impossible to develop intimate bonds with people unless you spend large amounts of time together.

And time naturally lends itself to purpose.  When a group of people spend time together and share the same purpose, goals and visions, there is an inevitable intimacy.  Psychologists have been baffled by the loyalty displayed in gang members.  Young people willing to risk lives or take lives, bound by a “code” among the members.  The secret lies in the feeling of belonging and being an important part of a group with a purpose.

But even with shared time and purpose, we are not naturally given to “preferring others better than ourselves”, and yet that’s what we’re commanded to do.

In the next post, I’ll talk about practical strategies families can use to cultivate affection for one another and deal with inevitable strife.

“When life is divorced from a larger dominion purpose, the eventual result will be frustration and misery.” –Andrea Reins

Could it be that the gravest mistake a parent can make in the upbringing of his children is a disregard for the way things will impact them eternally?  A disregard for their souls?

The noise of our culture is so loud, pushing us to clamor for what we think will make our children “successful”, popular, happy and secure.  We sacrifice our time, money and often tranquility to ensure our children get what the world says they need.

But what of their souls?  Do we labor as much there?  Are we willing to sacrifice all for the sake of their souls?

Even as Christians, there is a pressure to not be too different, though we *say* “love not the world nor the things in the world”.  But what is our goal?  Are we training them for the best life here–this one that is fading, or for the only life that will last?

J.C. Ryle articulates this important truth beautifully…

“Precious, no doubt, are these little ones in your eyes; but if you truly love them, then often think about their souls. Nothing should concern you as greatly as their eternal destiny. No part of them should be so dear to you as that part which will never die.

“This is the thought that should be uppermost on your mind in all that you do for your children. In every step you take about them, in every plan, and scheme, and arrangement that concerns them, do not leave out that mighty question, ‘How will this affect their souls?’

“A true Christian must not be a slave to what’s currently ‘in-fashion,’ if he wants to train his child for heaven. He must not be content to teach them and instruct them in certain ways, merely because it is customary, or to allow them to read books of a questionable sort, merely because everybody else reads them, or to let them form bad habits, merely because they are the habits of the day. He must train with an eye to his children’s souls. He must not be ashamed to hear his training called odd and strange. What if it is? The time is short—the customs of this world are passing away. He that has trained his children for heaven, rather than for the earth—for God, rather than for man—he is the parent that will be called wise in the end.”

~ J.C. Ryle

Quote courtesy of J.C. Ryle Quotes

“The formative period for building character for eternity is in the nursery. The mother is queen of that realm and sways a scepter more potent than that of kings or priests.” ~Author Unknown

Follow me for a moment…

A child is born.

The child’s character is formed throughout his years.  He is shaped, molded and influenced by something, namely, that to which his nature is bent unless restrained, and that to which he is most daily exposed.

The child grows up to be a man or woman.

The life this man or woman lives is based largely on that character that is as much a part of him as his skin.

The life this man or woman lives–the character–influences everyone around him.  The decisions he daily makes  deeply, profoundly, affect his world; they deeply affect me, you, him, his children–all of us.

Going back to the quote above, we are forced to deduct that raising children–devoting one’s life to that task profoundly affects the world.

I recently heard a woman say, “all this fuss over working moms versus stay-at-home moms–it’s so silly and trivial…it doesn’t matter”.

Really?

It IS trivial indeed, if we can presume that a child’s character is not affected by the continual, daily absence or presence of his mother and/or father.  If it doesn’t matter what his early influences are, if character forms all the same regardless–then, perhaps, there is an argument.

I challenge you to answer that question.  Does it matter?

An honest answer faces the reality that our world will become what we make of our children.  And if our children are neglected, our whole civilization is as well.

I have no desire to slight the working mom.  That’s where this topic always ends up–an angry mob of women shaking finger in face, daring the audacity.

I know there are dire circumstances.  But when we are convinced that “it doesn’t matter”, we will pay for a grave misunderstanding of the importance of child-rearing.

See, in the battle, in the fear of diminishing women’s rights and in the efforts to destroy stereotypes, we become cowards.  Cowards more concerned with her “happiness”, her fulfillment, her feelings–denying the consequences it will have on her children, and on us.  We betray our very futures for our comfortable today.  We deny truth because truth can hurt.  It can even make us unpopular.

It’s not about the battle, or telling women what they shouldn’t do.  It’s about being sensible enough to acknowledge that the way children are raised matters immensely to our society.  It’s about not being afraid to say that mothers need desperately to devote themselves to a job far more important, in the long run, than anything else they could possibly do.  It’s about being honest; not keeping her from pursuing her career, but being courageous enough to tell her that she will be missing a greater opportunity in doing so.

(In my opinion, it’s even about communicating the value of raising children to the point that all else pales in comparison and we know it!  Imagine a world where women are embarrassed or heart-broken to say they have to work another job.  And a society who will do all it can to keep that from being her plight, helping her achieve the profession that will most benefit us all!)

It’s about not being so cowardly that we try to win friends by saying, “It doesn’t matter”.

A person’s character can change–will change the world, for better or worse. It can change the destiny of a league of generations.

And we presume to insist that the daily labor of shaping that world-changing character can just be tossed aside with no consequence?

We owe it to the world to emphasize, to support, yes, even to persuade mothers to understand her vital importance in the home as she brings up children to shape the world.  This is her already full-time job.

If we love humanity (with pleading emphasis), we wouldn’t be arguing over a woman’s right to leave her children and pursue a career…we would be BEGGING her to focus all her time and energy on this task of building character into the generation that is our future.

A career is such a small thing in comparison to building the future!

Often when someone commits abuse under the guise of Christianity, there are those ready to race, with a knee-jerk reaction, to erect a “new and improved” interpretation of the original doctrine.  I’ve seen that happen with the topic of parenting often resulting in two dangerous ditches.

As we protect ourselves against the subtle pop-psychology that would invade our Christian parenting, let us examine ourselves as well, and seek to guard against any other ditches, parenting in love, and looking to Scripture to help us raise children who truly love and seek the Lord.

Here are 5 questions to ask yourself to make sure you are parenting in love.

• Am I using shame or anger to get my child to do what I want them to do?
• Do I withhold love or affection from my child or spouse in an attempt to change their behavior?
• Do I expect perfection from my child, other family members, or myself?
• Is my child able to fail without fearing the loss of my love or affection?
• Do my children feel free to let me know if I have hurt their feelings or to respectfully disagree with a family decision (recognizing the authority of the father)?

Although all parents struggle, homeschooling parents, particularly, fall under a peculiar pressure placed on them by family, friends, and society. Braving a “new” and often misunderstood approach to education and the lifestyle differences that often accompany it, they are painfully aware of those who are watching and waiting for their failure. This awareness can easily cause parents to get side-tracked, though their intentions are deeply sincere. This pressure has unfortunately caused some parents to place unfair expectations on their children, and lose sight of the heart of parenting–training their children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. Though Christians should beware of the destruction that comes from living in fear of man, our humanness wants to “succeed” and doesn’t want to be proven wrong.

So how do we train our children in obedience and instruct them in the Lord with all the practical behaviors that entails, without succumbing to “outward appearances”? It must begin with our solid understanding of our duty as parents.

Understanding our Duty

Ultimately, we must not allow our parenting to be ruled by fear or expectations. As with all other areas of life, our motivating principle must be “Christ above all”–to see our children walk in truth and become sincere followers of Christ. We must understand that our outward behavior should be a natural reflection of our inward condition. Our outward behavior doesn’t effect spirituality, rather, the opposite is true. As we walk in obedience and thankfulness to a God who has chosen us out of darkness, apart from anything we have done, the result is a natural desire to obey and please the One we now call “Lord”, and a sweet aroma that exudes from our deep love for Him.

This must under-gird our parenting approach. Because child-training involves obvious outward behavior, it’s easy for any parent to focus on that end. And I believe we do have a duty to “train the flesh”, even before children are old enough to understand the heart behind behavior.

For example, it would be foolish to wait until a child understands “why” to begin teaching him self-control. By then, he would likely be a self-consuming, miserable wretch.  We potty train them, teach them not to throw things, and many other such behaviors before they are able to connect it to reasons.  This is our job.

Get my ebook, Getting Your Children to Obey for a simple, practical guide to early child training.

But as we train them, we also need to impress on our children their need for a Savior, their inability to earn salvation, and their obligation to obey the Word. All these things simultaneously wrapped in tenderness and loving authority is what proper parenting looks like.

Using guilt tactics or shame to try to influence our children’s behavior not only hurts them, but it gives them a distorted picture of our Heavenly Father, ultimately having the potential to do serious damage to their spiritual lives. Part of our responsibility as we parent is to represent our Heavenly Parent and demonstrate how He loves us. Granted, parents can NOT do this perfectly. We fail often and it needs to be recognized that mistakes made in parenting do not equal abuse.

There is a fine line here: the Bible commands us to teach our children to obey us and to honor our authority. It further instructs us to implement discipline to enforce that obedience. We must teach our children the difference in right and wrong, and what God has to say about the consequences of sin. Many have described this paradigm as a destructive method of “shaming”, though it is a clearly biblical concept. The Gospel has become so distorted in some Christian circles that any mention of sin and consequence is deemed spiritually abusive and unhealthy.

We must keep our thinking clear, teaching our children discernment between what the Bible says and the often incorrect philosophies of a “new Christianity.”

Relationship is Key

The most important thing parents can do to ensure a healthy balance as they instruct their children is to nurture their relationships with them. A child recognizes sincerity and love; he knows when a parent’s motives are right versus when a parent is only seeking outward behavior to satisfy his own needs.  He can easily honor and respect his parents, consequently learning to honor and respect the Lord through their example, when he senses that His parents are operating from a genuine love for his soul.

The following is a partial list of questions we need to be constantly asking ourselves:

• Is my number one goal as a parent to point them to Christ?
• Am I more concerned with the motives behind my children’s behavior than I am with the behavior itself?
• Do I regularly praise the character of my children?
• When my children sin, do I make it clear to them that their main offense is disobedience to God and not just something that “irritates” me? (i.e. Do I discipline them calmly, with love, or does my anger reveal that I’m merely frustrated and take their offense personally?)
• When my children sin, do I offer them the promise of God’s forgiveness and model it myself? Do I allow them to make restoration and then drop the offense into “the sea of forgetfulness”?
• Do I model repentance by asking my children for forgiveness when I have sinned?

Additionally, to strengthen the fellowship between you and your children, here are a few suggestions:

• Communicate friendship to your children. It can be as small a gesture as a genuine smile, a random hug, or a friendly conversation; but, let them know that you really enjoy them and love being with them.
• Take one of the children with you on errands and make the most of your individual time with them.
• Touch them a lot…physical affection can’t be given too much.
• Ask them questions about the activities that interest them. Listen and show genuine attention.

We are parents. We are sinful people. We fail and we must ask for repentance. We should be diligent to stay on our knees before our Heavenly Parent and ask for His grace and mercy, seeking to be faithful to the task of parenting to which we are called. Satan is always seeking to destroy, even through the misuse of our authority and through the misinterpretation of that authority by our children.

May we love them, discipline them, nurture them, and spur them on to a closer and deeper relationship with the Lord Jesus.