dating & courtship

One of the biggest differences in the world’s model of dating and what many are embracing as “courtship”, is not in the process at all, but in the way we treat the “teen” years so differently. We don’t view this time as merely a passing of the day from one recreation to the next, but as a crucial time for growing, preparing and maturing.

We certainly enjoy the day we’re in, but always with a mind for tomorrow.

(And please be advised…this is not a “we’ve figured it out so let me tell you how it works” kind of post 😉 We are working through these things, with many struggles, just like any other family, including my own constant sinfulness.)

Somewhere in recent years, a teen culture has emerged with its “rights” and privileges that ultimately keeps children from growing up. I am amazed at how this wasted-years-syndrome has been so largely embraced by most people!

It may not seem obvious that this would have much to do with dating practices, but if you understand the distraction of the dating life, it begins to make a lot of sense.

There are several areas that really encompass all of life that I think require deliberate attention:

Spiritual. We aim to spend these years helping our children to pursue their relationship to the Lord, most importantly. It’s a time for focusing on Him and learning how to trust Him for life-answers. Down to the disciplines of Bible study and prayer, we hope to see our children grow in their own walk with the Lord.

Emotional. We also work on character traits, trying to imagine what will be most helpful as they grow into adulthood and anticipate running their own homes. Selfishness, pride and lack of self-control are natural traits that are perfect for working out in families, among siblings and parents. Just imagine how much better prepared for marriage we would have been had we had focused attention on these areas?!

Physical. There are so many opportunities for growing if one is not distracted from the next date or meaningless “hang out”. We try to encourage growth in areas of each child’s giftedness–music, art, mechanics, etc. Then there are all the practical life lessons that so many enter marriage having never learned. Understanding finances and how to budget, preparing nutritious meals, being resourceful and crafty, how to do basic maintenance and repairs–I could keep going. There is so much more to life than just getting married!

And besides these, their education has time to flourish. In addition to regular subjects there is time for growth in computer skills, developing writing skills or oratorical skills. When I remember how distracted I was in my dating years, it’s no wonder I hardly remember anything I learned in school! I was usually writing a note to be handed off between classes!

We should hold a high regard for marriage. It’s a shame our culture has failed to. And should we expect any less than the mediocre marriages (at best) we’re seeing all around us, considering how little time we’ve invested in preparing our children for them?

“For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.”

(I don’t even like using the word “courtship” because it has evolved into so many different meanings; but for lack of a better word, and because it is still commonly referred to, I’ll use it some.)

We hold firmly to the belief that recreational dating has no value, and is, in fact, harmful to a marriage. And not only that, but it is a time-consuming, distracting activity that prevents young men and women from preparing for marriage in a practical way.

(Isn’t it funny how much time, money and energy parents put into their child’s sports “career”, and hardly any time preparing them for the far more important state of marriage?)

So we start with the idea that any pursuit of romance should involve looking for a spouse at the appropriate time.

(We don’t have marriageable children yet, so I’m not an expert on courtship:-) I can just relay what we are implementing in preparation, and what we are learning from those around us.)

We start early using terminology in our family that communicates to our children what is “normal” and what is not. The language of “boyfriend, girlfriend” is not used. They know there is a plethora of pursuits available for them in their short, single lives, and there will come a time, (with the rare exception of the call of singleness) when they will begin to pursue thoughts of marriage–“dating” isn’t even in their vocabulary.

So prior to that time, we are preparing them. That looks different for different families, but the goal is basically equipping them physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually to one day have their own families.

(More on the preparation stage to come!)

As some have said, there is no formula for finding a spouse, just principles.

One principle for us is that “sons will take a wife, and daughters will be given”, as the Scripture says. (Even our own wedding ceremonies reflect that–“Who gives this woman?”)

A large element of marriage for our children involves complete trust in the Lord to guide us. As parents, we lean heavily on the belief that God is immensely involved in the details of our lives, and will bring the spouses He has ordained for our children.

Trusting in God’s sovereign direction, once a son is interested he would pursue her family; our daughters would be pursued by a man.

One main difference in this aspect of finding a spouse is the protective role the parents play, particularly the father. He will be “the gate”, to head off any young man who is obviously not a potential suitor.

How does the father know? It’s not hard to cull them out. He knows his daughter’s heart, what she basically wants and needs in a husband, and he can certainly “screen” them, thereby saving a lot of time and heartache.

He may question the young man, or may already know there are problems that make any further pursuit pointless.

This is not “arranging marriage”, by the way. It is a natural, glorious safeguard that any daughter is blessed to have.

If a young man is interested and the father sees him as a potential suitor (sometimes this involves weeks or months of spending time together and getting to know him), he would then tell the daughter about him, and ask if she is interested in getting to know him more. She may say “no”, at which point the father again does the deed of turning him away.

If she is interested in pursing things further, they begin a guarded relationship that involves mostly involvement with the family or groups of people.

Not only is this the natural way to see what a person is really like, but it provides accountability as the couple gets to know each other, and keeps them from diving into an intimate relationship too soon.

As I said, every family, every couple, and every courtship is different. It’s doesn’t always go as smoothly as everyone would like. Sometimes hearts still get involved and hurt. It is not a perfect process, but understanding the principle underneath gives us a great starting point.

In a nutshell? It’s a young person preserving all inclinations of romance until the time marriage is ready to be pursued, the parents being involved (who knows better?) praying through and protecting through the process, and then two potential mates getting to know each other through an accountable relationship of friends and family.