One Woman’s Story: Addiction, Adultery, Abortion and Atonement (Part 3)

“The morning of my abortion my husband and our 2 sons, who knew nothing about what was going on, drove me to the clinic. At the time we only had one cell phone and my husband handed it to me saying, “If you change your mind call me and I will come get you”. I walked into the clinic scared and confused.

I walked up to the front desk where a friendly staff member greeted me. After I checked in I sat down and I started to panic, thinking, “How could I go through with this?” and that I didn’t want to. Soon they moved me to a back area. It was obvious that the women there were there for an abortion.  Before you arrive for an abortion they tell you to wear something loose and comfortable for after the procedure. All the women were in that type of clothing. This area was the payment area where everything was settled before being moved on to another back area. Here the staff was not as friendly just more matter of fact. All of the women sat in silence.

I decided I was going to call my husband and tell him that I didn’t want to go through with it, but as I went to turn on the phone I realized it was dead. My name was called and they said they were having trouble getting payment from my sponsor. I couldn’t have been happier. I thought to myself that I would go home and never return. Unfortunately they were diligent in reaching the sponsor and the payment successfully went through.

I was then moved to the final back waiting area. It was where they took our vitals and we waited to be called to the final place where the abortion was performed.  It was here that I experienced tremendous fear and for the first time I realized these workers were not here to “help us make a decision”, but to put great force upon us to go through with the abortion. It was here that I no longer felt that I could just walk out if I wanted to. I sat cowardly and awaited my turn.

It was a very dark waiting room. The silence was deafening. Each girl kept her eyes down not looking around. The shame, sadness and despair was felt thick in the room.   At one point there was one exception, a girl speaking about how she’d done this multiple times. She didn’t seem to care, but all the other women didn’t seem to share that same feeling from their body language. One girl who went to get her vitals taken before me started to share with the worker that she was having second thoughts.  The worker ridiculed her in front of everyone. She talked at her so harshly and with anger. She told the girl that if she leaves she’d better not come back and waste their time until she was certain she would go through with the abortion. The girl backed down and never said another word that I ever saw. It seemed no one else dared say that they were having second thoughts after seeing what that one girl went through.

My name was called and I was escorted to a brighter room. It had a chair with stirrups, an ultrasound machine and then something that made my stomach turn. I saw the jar that they were going to put my baby into after they suctioned it out. When I saw the ultrasound machine I got so excited. I instantly gained some courage. I asked if they were going to do an ultrasound and they said, “Yes, we want to see how far along you are”. I knew right then that once I saw my baby’s heartbeat I was going to say “no” and walk out. I was so sure of it. I laid in the seat and a seemingly nice lady said, “I’m just going to give you something to take the edge off”.

That is the last thing I heard. No one told me what they were going to do, how the procedure works, or showed me my baby. The next thing I knew is that I am woken up and my baby is dead. It made me sick to know they used that ultrasound machine to find my baby and kill it with great precision. They tell me to leave the room and sit in a chair with other women who just killed their babies. I couldn’t believe it. My so called choice was gone. No chance to change my mind. My baby was dead by my own actions. The guilt and depression slammed me like never before. I waited for what seemed like eternity in a room where no one cared. Finally they said I was fine to go home. That is where the true heartache began.”