(I don’t even like using the word “courtship” because it has evolved into so many different meanings; but for lack of a better word, and because it is still commonly referred to, I’ll use it some.)
We hold firmly to the belief that recreational dating has no value, and is, in fact, harmful to a marriage. And not only that, but it is a time-consuming, distracting activity that prevents young men and women from preparing for marriage in a practical way.
(Isn’t it funny how much time, money and energy parents put into their child’s sports “career”, and hardly any time preparing them for the far more important state of marriage?)
So we start with the idea that any pursuit of romance should involve looking for a spouse at the appropriate time.
(We don’t have marriageable children yet, so I’m not an expert on courtship:-) I can just relay what we are implementing in preparation, and what we are learning from those around us.)
We start early using terminology in our family that communicates to our children what is “normal” and what is not. The language of “boyfriend, girlfriend” is not used. They know there is a plethora of pursuits available for them in their short, single lives, and there will come a time, (with the rare exception of the call of singleness) when they will begin to pursue thoughts of marriage–“dating” isn’t even in their vocabulary.
So prior to that time, we are preparing them. That looks different for different families, but the goal is basically equipping them physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually to one day have their own families.
(More on the preparation stage to come!)
As some have said, there is no formula for finding a spouse, just principles.
One principle for us is that “sons will take a wife, and daughters will be given”, as the Scripture says. (Even our own wedding ceremonies reflect that–“Who gives this woman?”)
A large element of marriage for our children involves complete trust in the Lord to guide us. As parents, we lean heavily on the belief that God is immensely involved in the details of our lives, and will bring the spouses He has ordained for our children.
Trusting in God’s sovereign direction, once a son is interested he would pursue her family; our daughters would be pursued by a man.
One main difference in this aspect of finding a spouse is the protective role the parents play, particularly the father. He will be “the gate”, to head off any young man who is obviously not a potential suitor.
How does the father know? It’s not hard to cull them out. He knows his daughter’s heart, what she basically wants and needs in a husband, and he can certainly “screen” them, thereby saving a lot of time and heartache.
He may question the young man, or may already know there are problems that make any further pursuit pointless.
This is not “arranging marriage”, by the way. It is a natural, glorious safeguard that any daughter is blessed to have.
If a young man is interested and the father sees him as a potential suitor (sometimes this involves weeks or months of spending time together and getting to know him), he would then tell the daughter about him, and ask if she is interested in getting to know him more. She may say “no”, at which point the father again does the deed of turning him away.
If she is interested in pursing things further, they begin a guarded relationship that involves mostly involvement with the family or groups of people.
Not only is this the natural way to see what a person is really like, but it provides accountability as the couple gets to know each other, and keeps them from diving into an intimate relationship too soon.
As I said, every family, every couple, and every courtship is different. It’s doesn’t always go as smoothly as everyone would like. Sometimes hearts still get involved and hurt. It is not a perfect process, but understanding the principle underneath gives us a great starting point.
In a nutshell? It’s a young person preserving all inclinations of romance until the time marriage is ready to be pursued, the parents being involved (who knows better?) praying through and protecting through the process, and then two potential mates getting to know each other through an accountable relationship of friends and family.
