Finding Myself: When Mommies Have Identity Crises

I think being American is wonderful and disadvantageous, all at the same time.

We’re not just bombarded with self-absorbed messages, we breathe it, live it and become it. In America, one “deserves” so many things that, in some cultures would sound completely insane.

This deserving myth has been a large part of our skewed view of children and motherhood. And we can all be guilty, even those of us with an unusually high view of children.

But we don’t call it deserving; we call it an identity crisis because that sounds very honest and real. And no one wants anyone to have one of those.

I’m amazed at the common perception that a woman somehow “gets lost” in her family. That children and a husband take part of her until she finds “she doesn’t know who she is anymore.”

There is zero talk like this in Scripture. In fact, just the opposite when we remember those bits about “losing your life” and such.

Now don’t get me wrong; I do not embrace a martyr brand of Christianity. I thoroughly enjoy that God has made us all unique as women, has given us all special gifts and aspirations. I do not think we are to have a low view of self; we are, after all, “a royal priesthood.”

But those gifts and aspirations are meant to enhance my calling as a wife and mother. A husband and children add to who I am and I am becoming. I’m not lost, I’m being conformed, all the time, to the image of my Creator, and everyone and everything the Lord gives me plays an integral part in that.

I love what Rachel Jankovic said about the disillusion of the “identity crisis” in motherhood:

“…the world has a very muddled perception of ‘self’. They think and tell us to think that we are all little separate entities who might need to go off somewhere to get to know ‘ourselves,’ or that a mother needs to get back to her corporate job to be herself again. Marriages break up because people don’t know who they are anymore. They need to find themselves.

But the Christian view of self is very different, and you need to make sure that it is the one you have. We are like characters in a story. Our essential self is not back in the intro, waiting to be rediscovered. Who you are is where you are. When you are married, your essential self is married. As the story grows, so does your character. Your children change you into a different person. If you suddenly panic because it all happened so fast and now you don’t recognize yourself, what you need is not time alone. What you need is your people. Look out- look at the people who made you what you are – your husband and your children. Study them. They are you. If you want to know yourself, concentrate on them.

Those women who try to find themselves by stripping away the ‘others’ will find that they are a very broken little thing. This will lead them to resent the people who they think made them that way. She may say, “I used to be so energetic, but all these people take, take, take from me and now I have no time to just be me!” And the world gathers around and comforts her and says she needs sometime to follow her dreams.

But the Christian woman needs to see, “I used to be so boring! Now my character has some depth, some people to love, some hardships to bear. Now I have some material to work with!” A Christian woman’s view is always forward and never back. Your identity is to be found and resting in other people.”

Our identity is found in Christ and our will is to be always about HIS will. It is only as I become empty of myself that He is able to fill me up.