I don’t suppose we struggle any more than other families with sibling relationships and the strife that goes along with living side by side, day by day.  But lately we’ve been discouraged over the number of times we seem to revisit the same issues, the same “sandpaper siblings.”

Dealing with relationships inside a family is tricky business.  Our first rule of thumb is that strife is not acceptable.  We are fully aware that it will occur, we just don’t accept it as normal.  It is sin.

“For where envying and strife is, there is confusion and every evil work.” James 3:16

But because we are sinful and all spend an extraordinary amount of time together, dealing with strife is just a given.  I tend to want to deal with it one time and be done.  But those expectations are much higher than I set for myself.  It helps me to remember that even Paul said he must “die daily.”  So it is with us and our little ones as we are slowly conformed to the image of Christ.

Moment of truth

I’ve had a sort of epiphany recently regarding family relationships….

As a mother it is so easy for me to get bent out of shape and irritated over dealing with strife that I become the product of what I’m trying to avoid in my children.  It doesn’t do much good to fly off the handle because my child is not being flexible, or snap as I try to teach them gentleness. Now there’s a moment of truth.

What I’m discovering is that mothering requires a tremendous amount of energy to cultivate a spirit of joy and FRIENDSHIP within her home.  Could this be the biggest missing element in our homes today?

Being friends with your children takes deliberate action and lots of time.  While we maintain authority, require honor and obedience, the way I interact with my children in the neutral spaces of the day will have tremendous influence on attitudes and behavior.  (Might I add, that while we rely on our husbands to help us deal with these issues, he tires of coming home each day to a grumpy group of people.)

It’s easy to give out commands, rebuke and instruction without padding those little people with the softness of friendship and love that makes them receptive to our instruction.

“Hangin’ out”, as my sister-in-law would say is so important!

I’ve tried lately to single out my children at least every other day and do something with them they enjoy, even if it’s for 15 minutes at a time.  Play a card game, dance around the living room, take a walk, read a book, make a craft–these things serve to help us connect.

Conversation

Also just conversing in a friendship way ties the strings of fellowship between mother and child.  It communicates that you think they’re important and valuable and worth listening to and being with.  Sharing in their lives with questions, smiles and an engaging face is a profoundly important action for a mother.

And finally, as we model what true friendship looks like, our children pick it up and share it with each other.  Beautiful.

A sweeping look at the character of our day reveals a daunting problem.  Whether in the work force, school or home, it seems every place is teeming with deceit, dishonor, laziness, selfishness and a general lack of integrity.

I heard an employer recently lament:

“I can’t find anyone under the age of 30 that will even show up consistently for work, much less actually work when they get here.”

Last night another lady stopped at our family’s table at a restaurant and said, “This is a rare sight.”  She went on to explain that her two grandsons “would have the place upside down.” I’m not encouraged that children, even if they are mine, sitting at a table eating is “a rare sight.”

Dishonesty brought a professing Christian we know to jail, ultimately taking all that he has–possessions, wife, children–in a matter of months.

Example after example comes to my mind just in our tiny circumference, of the lack of character leaving behind a trail of destruction.

Scripture’s prophecy is clear:

“…in the last days perilous times shall come.  For men shall be lovers of their own selves, covetous, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, without natural affection, trucebreakers, false accusers, incontinent, fierce, despisers of those that are good, traitors, heady, highminded, lovers of pleasures more than lovers of God; having a form of godliness, but denying the power thereof…” 2 Timothy 3:1-5

This quote grabbed my attention:

“The formative period for building character for eternity is in the nursery. The mother is queen of that realm and sways a scepter more potent than that of kings or priests.” ~Author Unknown

I’ve maintained since the birth of this blog that the widespread exodus of mothers out of the home have implications we can barely grasp. A societal problem is never a symptom of just one disease, but it’s hard to think of a more destructive shift than that of mothers leaving their domestic realm in droves.

And here is where tomatoes are thrown.  Which is why so few people are willing to say what needs to be said…that mothers have a full time, very important job already and when they abdicate that responsibility, we all pay for it.

“It’s my business.” Actually, not entirely.  The character of a child, multiplied exponentially, becomes the character of society.  That affects me greatly.  It affects you.  It affects us on a personal level when we are left in the wake of familial distress, and it affects us on a much larger level as we deal with economic effects and the influences of those who lead our country.  We do not live autonomously!

So back around….dear mothers, we have a hard job.  Some days I feel like giving up.  I’m sure you do too.  It would be easier to let someone else do this work.  But it’s not about what’s easiest.  It’s about what’s best.  For us, for them and for everyone.  You’re not just feeding babies, or keeping a clean house or sweeping up Cheerios.

Every little moment you are planting, watering and weeding around those tender seeds of character which will one day either grow to flourish and give life all around it, or become a needy, sucking vacuum that depletes the life around it.

Rule your realm.

Wishing all you mothers the happiest of Mother’s Day!  Enjoy a few links from the past….

Motherhood:  It’s Not Just Something I Am

When Motherhood is Stressful

The Exalted Station of Motherhood

Mother…Oh That My Children Would Speak Such of Me!

I recently heard a woman (whose children are grown) lament that she wishes she could do things over with her children.  Sometimes I have those laments at the end of the day, wishing I could take back words or tones, wishing I had spent more time doing eternal things and less time stressing over the temporal.

Motherhood is hard.  And I don’t want to look back in 20 years wishing to do it all over.

Sometimes I think I’m not a very good mother.  The lies are whispered, comparisons made, and I can start to sink in a mire of self-pity.

But a new day dawns and not being one given to despair, I shake my fist at the enemy of my soul and remember  “greater is He that is in me.”

Then I regroup and refocus. I remember to keep the main thing the main thing.

Do you need a few mother reminders?

1.  Take time to deal with strife in the home, refusing the urge to just “make it stop”.  Use Scripture to address harsh words and selfish attitudes.  A few of my favorite:

• “Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and health to the bones.”
• “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”
• “Be kind one to another, with brotherly love, in honor, preferring one another.”

2.  Avoid distractions that hinder child training.  If necessary, let the phone ring.  Set strict parameters around your computer time.  Say “no” to excessive outside activities.  Be present, body and mind.

3.  Taking a walk on a hard day will do wonders to clear your mind and help you gain needed perspective.

4.  Put some space between incidents and your response to it.  Use opportunities of failure to teach repentance and humility.  Much worse than blowing it is the refusal to admit it and ask forgiveness.

5.  Assess whether you have emphasized team work in the home, with everyone doing his share.  If not, cheerfully reincorporate that into your daily training.  It will make a huge difference in how smoothly things run.

Life, learning, joy and growth. Those are the things we want to characterize our homes.  Yes, we fall down.  But warriors get back up again.