motherhood/family/parenting

I’m at Raising Homemaker today discussing “Why Homemaking is a Dwindling Career”. Come on over!

I love you dearly. As a parent, I want “to give you a good life.” But you may need me to define what I mean by that.

A good life doesn’t necessarily include lots of material things. It may, it can, but things don’t define a good life.

When a parent says things like, “I want to give my children things I didn’t have” and then proceeds to overwork themselves so they can pay for lots of stuff for their children, that’s not really a good life. That’s a substitute.

In my attempt to give you a good life, I mean my first priority will be to make myself as available to you as possible–regardless of whether that allows me to give you lots of stuff. I want us to spend time together, talk a lot, read together, play together and figure things out together.

Because above everything else that will ensure you have a good life, you will need to learn wisdom for how to live. Wisdom that is from above is what will give you the foundation of a good life. To get wisdom, you must spend the majority of your time with those wiser than you.

My main goal is not to make sure you have the latest I-phone. (If it becomes necessary, I’ll consider it. But the gadgets you own have nothing to do with your quality of life, your happiness, and you are certainly not entitled to them.)

Whether or not you get to play on a sport’s team is also irrelevant. It’s neither a good thing nor a bad thing, specifically, just irrelevant to the good life.

I’ve heard parents say that they want to shield their children from hard work because they worked hard when they were young and they wanted to “give their children something better.” I disagree with this definition of “better.” You need to know, upfront, that I will be working hard to instill  in you the importance of working hard. Anything else would be robbing you of some of your good life.

Dating, as in the recreational sense of young people “falling in love” before they are ready to even consider marriage is unwise, at best, and will certainly not be an activity I expect you to be familiar with. Thankfully, you can already see the pitfalls of it, and you understand how far ahead you’ll be not wasting your young years pining away from some gal or guy who will barely be a distant memory one day. There are so many better things to do while you’re young.

As your parents, we’ll buy you stuff from time to time–gifts because we love you. But we will not mortgage the house to buy your love. We’ll teach you how to make and save money so that you can buy big things like cars, tuition, etc. We will not foolishly raise you to think that one is entitled to get what one wants whenever he wants it. This kind of raising breeds children who grow up to be in bondage to debt. We love you; we will do everything we can to help you learn about delayed gratification.

In fact, it is only in the absence of stuff, that it becomes easier to see other, more meaningful opportunities, find outlets for creativity and become productive, useful and fulfilled in society. That’s our desire for you.

I will pray for you, pray with you and immerse you in the teaching of our Lord. I will teach you each day, whatever I have to do, to love Him and fear Him, and in Him to “live and move and have your being”…for that is where you will find the good life.

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Get When Motherhood Feels Too Hard, a must-read for mothers who want to live a full life on purpose!

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At the conclusion of our sermon Sunday, Dr. Joel McDurmon summarized with a poignant–simple, but powerfully poignant reminder:

“Corrupt government cannot be changed from the top down. Wicked leadership reveals rottenness in the root–the people. Change in a country begins with me–repentance and faithfulness–and then my family. And if you try to do much more, you’ll mess that up.”

We’ve heard it so much it’s almost trite…”the family is the building block of society”. The problem is, we acknowledge it in word, but we don’t even begin to understand the WORK necessary to build a family that strong.  We acknowledge it, but we don’t practice it.

But it was the last line that held the secret for me…”And if you try to do much more, you’ll mess that up.” We’re trying to do a lot more, and there is no room for building families. We assume the family will grow itself without deliberate effort, and it won’t. And where there is no building–no maintenance, the family breaks.

How Do We Build the Family

What does it mean, “build the family”? Strong families can hardly be built unless they are built on the truths of Scripture. It seems many profess Christianity with little evidence of its power in their lives. Strong families begin with the living power of God that transforms hearts, minds and lives.

Building the family starts with strengthening marriage, the foundation. That means deliberate, daily action to build each other up, prayerfully uniting together, fighting before the throne of Heaven for your children, and for protection from the enemy.

It’s discipling children–not just living with them but showing them, in every circumstance what wisdom looks like, how we react to life, to sin, to pain, to challenges. Impressing on them that life has value because of our Creator. Refusing to let them be taught by a humanistic worldview that says otherwise.

Leading them by example to glorify God in every area of life. Requiring obedience and honor because God requires it. Teaching them about His sovereignty, His promises and His faithfulness. Helping them build, layer upon layer, a foundation that will withstand any storm. It’s daily and constant. It can’t happen in the crevices of time. This, if we want to pass the torch of faithfulness to the next generation.

It’s nurturing relationships so they are tender and receptive to the truth and because strong relationships are foundational to healthy minds and emotions upon which building is so much more productive.

Building the family is saying “no” to anything that robs us of time or energy that might prevent this intense, deliberate work. Building the family is remembering the metaphor of Nehemiah’s people building the wall. They were focused, with a hammer in one hand and a sword in the other.

Do you see we must build just like that? There is an enemy at large that would devour us and if we drop our sword OR our hammer, for a moment, we become easy prey!

When the family frays, every institution above it follows.

So instead of wringing our hands over the culture at large, let’s get about the task at home. Have you been distracted? Has your family been a side job for you? Building a family is an enormous commitment that we must be willing to make if we truly want things around us to change.

If you are tempted, as we all are periodically, to forget what you are doing at home, to wish you could just go shopping when you wanted, or have your nails done more often (or at all!), give yourself a pep talk and get back in the battle. Don’t get distracted by the temporal sirens that pull us in every direction, that whisper lies to us and make us forget…we are in a spiritual battle and it has been given to us to fight….not to fret about our nails.

You know that some of them are just easier. Every personality different, some subdued and quiet, people-pleasers by nature. But some are hyper-sensitive and critical, self-absorbed and viciously just, but too immature for real justice (which translates, “That’s not fair!!!!” a hundred times a day).

It’s the hard thing of parenting. And it’s the good thing. It’s what reminds us that “doing everything right” doesn’t work, and we can’t take credit for the grace that God pours out on our children.

And yet, we don’t–we can’t throw our hands up either and leave it all to chance. We are still commanded to walk with them in truth, to nurture them in love, and to show them the blessing and curse of choosing wisdom over foolishness.

God gave them to us to teach them about Him. It’s what we were created for.

Cutting through the theological jargon (though we do have to understand responsibility vs. God’s work), some of you have a child who simply makes you cry a lot. I know because I have one. It’s a child who, when God grips that heart and indwells that spirit, will do amazing things. It’s a strong child with simply the strength pointed in the wrong direction some days.

What to do?

Be consistent, and be real. This child is your catalyst. This child may be just like you, all the harder to parent. Raising this child is not just about him…it’s largely about you. God will chisel and hammer away at you and it will hurt. But He’s doing something good in both of you. And because it hurts, you will say things you shouldn’t say and do things you shouldn’t do. You will need to repent and ask forgiveness. Do not refuse to ask your child to forgive you! No matter how often. This could be one of the most important lessons for him to learn. To see your humanness, your utter dependence on the Lord, your tears and your humility as you realize you don’t know what to do.

This child makes you feel like giving up some days. But it’s not an option. So you dig in. You love him with all that’s in you, over and over. You listen. You hug him, you tell him you’re not giving up and you prove it.

You speak truth to him. You read him God’s Word. You require him to as well. You find ways to laugh. And in his anger you let him know you are on his team.

You pray for him. You pray hard and long. You get through the day and the Lord will give you strength for tomorrow. You’ll get through it. We’ll get through it.

*Need practical help and encouragement as a mom? When Motherhood Feels Too Hard–the book that will change the way you parent.

I’ve always loved Gladys Hunt’s, Honey for a Child’s Heart, and her ability to bring life to the magic and importance of reading and what it can do for your relationships at home.

But this one excerpt….oh so important! And I fear we grow increasingly numb to its truth:

“We are inclined to make life heavy and see only what must be done, not what could be done. As more and more mothers join the work force outside the home, this burdened way of life will increase….

We let the evening news take away our delight in the beauty of a sunset. The ugly becomes more real than the good….Then we forget to notice and to share what is new and fresh and good about today.

Underlying all of this discussion is my thesis that parents who read widely together with their children are going to be those who most influence their children, who have the largest worldview, who have an uncommon delight in what is good and true and beautiful–and an uncommon commitment to it. Sharing and feeling and talking together will come naturally. Books shared with each other provide that kind of climate.” -Gladys Hunt (emphasis mine)

Do we see how easy it is to let the adult burdens of our world creep in and squash the innocent joy of childhood? And don’t we forget to let that childhood joy infiltrate our world to soften the burdens in it?

To me that’s why life without a variety of ages mingled in leaves us stifled and incomplete. I think it’s why God made families to naturally have children until the children begin to have children. They give us something that nothing else can replace!

Reading is more than reading; it’s living with and experiencing life together in a continual new discovery of what is good, with the advantage of a child’s and adult’s perspective intermingling.

We can all read….even on the worst days. Remember its weight!

(For some recommendations, my daughter has compiled a few book reviews to help parents make choices about literature.)

Excerpt from When Motherhood Feels Too Hard

“When I see my children through Kingdom-eyes, their vices aren’t irritations that bug me and cause me to be angry; they are offenses that sober me and call me to the tireless and tender action of praying for, teaching and tending the garden of their souls. My children are the very happiest when I have loved them enough to require gratitude, obedience and honor. Their little faces light up into mine when they sense my tenderest sincerity toward their character. And then, to place my hands on their heads, kneel over them and pray…

“Father, you have blessed me with this child. Thank you that she is growing to love You, thank you that she is obedient, and I pray that she will serve you all the days of her life”…

causes a heart-smile to break across their faces, and they know—it sinks down deep and they know that I am in this for life, through tears, joys and hardship. I am their advocate, and I will stop short of nothing to give “my life for yours” in these few years they are mine.”

I think being American is wonderful and disadvantageous, all at the same time.

We’re not just bombarded with self-absorbed messages, we breathe it, live it and become it. In America, one “deserves” so many things that, in some cultures would sound completely insane.

This deserving myth has been a large part of our skewed view of children and motherhood. And we can all be guilty, even those of us with an unusually high view of children.

But we don’t call it deserving; we call it an identity crisis because that sounds very honest and real. And no one wants anyone to have one of those.

I’m amazed at the common perception that a woman somehow “gets lost” in her family. That children and a husband take part of her until she finds “she doesn’t know who she is anymore.”

There is zero talk like this in Scripture. In fact, just the opposite when we remember those bits about “losing your life” and such.

Now don’t get me wrong; I do not embrace a martyr brand of Christianity. I thoroughly enjoy that God has made us all unique as women, has given us all special gifts and aspirations. I do not think we are to have a low view of self; we are, after all, “a royal priesthood.”

But those gifts and aspirations are meant to enhance my calling as a wife and mother. A husband and children add to who I am and I am becoming. I’m not lost, I’m being conformed, all the time, to the image of my Creator, and everyone and everything the Lord gives me plays an integral part in that.

I love what Rachel Jankovic said about the disillusion of the “identity crisis” in motherhood:

“…the world has a very muddled perception of ‘self’. They think and tell us to think that we are all little separate entities who might need to go off somewhere to get to know ‘ourselves,’ or that a mother needs to get back to her corporate job to be herself again. Marriages break up because people don’t know who they are anymore. They need to find themselves.

But the Christian view of self is very different, and you need to make sure that it is the one you have. We are like characters in a story. Our essential self is not back in the intro, waiting to be rediscovered. Who you are is where you are. When you are married, your essential self is married. As the story grows, so does your character. Your children change you into a different person. If you suddenly panic because it all happened so fast and now you don’t recognize yourself, what you need is not time alone. What you need is your people. Look out- look at the people who made you what you are – your husband and your children. Study them. They are you. If you want to know yourself, concentrate on them.

Those women who try to find themselves by stripping away the ‘others’ will find that they are a very broken little thing. This will lead them to resent the people who they think made them that way. She may say, “I used to be so energetic, but all these people take, take, take from me and now I have no time to just be me!” And the world gathers around and comforts her and says she needs sometime to follow her dreams.

But the Christian woman needs to see, “I used to be so boring! Now my character has some depth, some people to love, some hardships to bear. Now I have some material to work with!” A Christian woman’s view is always forward and never back. Your identity is to be found and resting in other people.”

Our identity is found in Christ and our will is to be always about HIS will. It is only as I become empty of myself that He is able to fill me up.