motherhood/family/parenting

My oldest daughter had a brilliant idea and I’m all for sharing a good thing, so I thought I’d pass it along.

Sibling friendships are of utmost importance around here. There seems to be a trendy “head-nod” toward typical strife between brothers and sisters, a sort of naturally expected and accepted fact of life.

But lots of things are natural that aren’t good. So we make a concerted effort to learn to deal with one another kindly, even in times of disagreement.

And you know that family relationships are the very hardest, because it’s where we feel the freest to let guards down, to be ourselves and to let our unconditional love allow us to act toward each other in ways we would never act toward our friends.

So we must work extra hard; it’s that simple.

So without further ado, here’s the idea we’ve implemented. A mail box outside each child’s room where they can leave notes for each other. It just does something. It encourages us to be friends, to not take each other for granted quite as much, and to spend time thinking kindly about one another.

Because they love receiving notes so much, it encourages them to write them. It likely will fizzle out in a little while, but for now, it has been a sweet, simple thing to watch.

Our fast-paced, over-stimulated, distracted lifestyle is not only unhealthy on a number of levels, it’s unfortunately tragic; because it prevents us from grasping one huge, profound reality that shapes the way we live: our lives here are but a breath.

Depressing? Not if you have the right perspective. Heaven is what we are living for. And as much as we may love this life, Heaven is way better. Like the difference between liver-flavored ice cream and fudge brownie ice cream, as I’ve told my children. And so this life is about storing up all the heavenly treasure we can.

I was watching my children today. I know you’ve done this too: watched and wondered when they got so big, reaching, with all your might, into your memory to remember them as babies and probably couldn’t. Such a drastic difference from then to now, and yet you don’t really realize it happened because it was so gradual.

As I watched them I reflected that half my life is likely over.

I don’t want that to be a source of discouragement, but of inspiration. I want to realize that in these frenzied moments of daily tasks that do have to be done, there is still a far more important thing happening, and happening fast.

Little babies given to me are quickly becoming men and women. I have this short window to talk to them, listen to them, sit with them, hold them, teach them, read to them and invest in them in a way that will go with them when they leave here.

A small window to store up treasures in Heaven.

Hardly a person alive will deny that at the end of this life, all that really mattered was the people. Yet we seem to forget that in the moments that make up the span of life.

I don’t want to miss the people. And not just my children but my friend, my neighbor, my parents–whoever is in front of me.

The simple act of giving another your undivided attention has never been a greater challenge as we fight against ring tones and message alerts and being “on call” 24 hours through our devices. (A good way to avoid that, by the way, is to have a phone that only calls people. You’re welcome.)

We can also get sidetracked majoring on the minors (raising my hand). How many times have I snapped lost it over shoes strewn all over the floor (again), ignoring the greater job of patiently training little people who aren’t concerned with aesthetics the way I am.

We are over-booked, over-loaded and over-exerted. It is a deliberate choice to ask, “teach me to number my days.” Sometimes we just need to plant ourselves in front of the steam-roller of life, throw up a hand and say, “stop while I plant the seeds that matter.”

As a woman who struggles with anxiety and the desire to do everything NOW, I have to purpose to stop and remind myself that there are very few real emergencies and the world isn’t going to end over windows that haven’t been cleaned for two weeks (yes, I know).

Right now, in fact, there are three bamboo tee-pees on my front porch, smack in the middle of the walkway. Not on the end of the porch, neatly out of the way, but right in the middle. Wait, I’ll just take a picture and show you…

And, it grew.

I have this quirky thing. I have a strong need for visual order and beauty. Hilarious, isn’t it, that God gave me 10 children? Yes, I think so too.

The thing is, it’s a mess, but they had the most fun building it and since we no longer have any shade trees, the porch was a logical place. They learned some problem-solving lessons and I’m going to resist the urge to have them hurriedly destroy what they spent half a day building, just because it would be prettier if they cleaned up. Don’t pat me on the back, though.

I don’t always make the right choice. But today, I choose tee pees the treasure.

We are human. And that’s why it’s so easy to fall into ditches. We have knee-jerk reactions (I’ve had them o’ plenty) to something and end up way on the other side, perhaps just as wrong.

I’ve seen many wonderful parenting articles lately. Some are quite fuzzy, wonderfully written and well-intentioned. But I fear there’s a ditch-trend going on: fear of rules.

The common line goes, “parenting isn’t about rules, but relationship.”

And let me shout it loud and clear: EVERYTHING ABOUT PARENTING IS BASED ON A RELATIONSHIP.

Because parenting is ultimately discipleship. And discipleship is a walking alongside and nothing is more “relationshipy” than that.

But it’s a mistake if we become afraid of rules.

The fear is breeding rebellion in our children, or legalism, or of raising hypocrites who will grow up and reject the faith.

And those things are all possibilities, especially in the absence of relationship or the wrong application of rules.

Lately it seems parenting advice is so child-focused that we can easily lose sight of our job to train and correct and disciple. Parents fear their children will not be confident enough so they lavish them with praise and affirmation, afraid of damaging their spirits. The thing is, in a normal home, our children are doing just fine. Their egos are in no danger. They need our love, which includes affirmation and admonition.

We have to go to Scripture for our parenting wisdom. And the Bible is about rules AND relationship. Rules, as in boundaries, admonition and principles that are good for us and keep our feet from slipping, all wrapped up in the tender relationship akin to a Shepherd over his flock.

“Listen, my sons, to a father’s instruction…Take hold of my words with all your heart; keep my commands, and you will live.”

All throughout Scripture, we are commanded to “obey.” Children are too. Obey what? There must be rules and that shouldn’t scare us. It should delight us to gently help our children learn the importance of obeying and cherishing rules by those who are in charge of their well-being. Learning to obey parents who have the best interest in mind for their children translates into cheerful obedience to a Heavenly Father.

Avoid the ditches; rules are good and necessary when bound up in the tender relationship of a loving parent.

Maybe you’ve seen a quote by Rachel Jankovic:

“Motherhood is not a hobby, it is a calling. You do not collect children because you find them cuter than stamps. It is not something to do if you can squeeze the time in. It is what God gave you time for.” (Motherhood is a Calling, and Where Your Children Rank)

I have it framed, sitting on my bathroom cabinet. I see it every day. But I don’t think the full impact of it has really sunk it until now.

The last sentence…“It is what God gave you time for.” packs a meaningful punch. One that we too often fail to really grasp.

If I’m not careful, I can let my children irritate, frustrate and aggravate me into being a really awful mother. But if I look closely, the things that bother me most often are just part of parenting, part of taking time to help little people learn to grow up–the very thing God gave me time for.

But if we’re busy with other pursuits, our children and all their needs become a peripheral endeavor, easily “bothersome” to my schedule or agenda.

But these children ARE my agenda! In the tiniest moments of the day they are learning and I am teaching. Everything from teaching them how to stir a pot of spaghetti sauce without splashing it to helping them develop important habits of character and ultimately to showing them their desperate need of a Savior because they can’t just “be good”, is my most important job as I act as helper to my husband and keeper of my home.

But as I get it, as I say “no” to the pursuits that are not my first responsibility and I focus my attention, time and effort into guiding, training and teaching these little sheep of mine, it changes my response, gives me more patience and my work becomes a joy, even amid the sacrifice and struggles.

In this short season of mothering, I am committing anew to slow down and take time to tend this flock of mine. To love them, to teach them the gospel by patiently showing them my daily need of a Savior and theirs, of the One who forgives again and again and wipes the slate clean each day; both my sins and theirs. It’s what God gave me time for.