“Are you crazy?”
I’ve actually been asked that a lot. And I’m sure it’s thought more than it’s asked. It doesn’t offend me, except when it is asked in front of my children, who can’t wrap their brains around what it means (“until you become like little children”?). But it does remind me of what illogical thinkers we are and how easy it is to convince the masses of a lie.
Especially as Christians, we must think rightly, regardless of our particular opinions.
Simply put, having babies is a naturally occurring incident. We have developed ways to stop it, but that’s not our bodies default mode. God didn’t create our reproduction system with an “on/off” switch.
So, all debates aside about the right or wrong thing to do, we are still required, as thinking people, to demonstrate logic and acknowledge that having children is natural.
Being “crazy” implies the act of doing something abnormal. Having children isn’t doing something at all. And it certainly isn’t doing something not normal. It’s simply letting. It’s as natural as any other bodily function.
Preventing children is the only doing part. That requires deliberate thought and action against what naturally occurs. If there were an acceptable question allowed by strangers, it should be something like, “Oh, so you decided to shut down your reproductive system…odd, but OK.” (I hope you know this is tongue-in-cheek to prove a point ;-)) It is far more correct than the “you’re crazy” the large family gets.
Whatever you believe about children, at least make sure it is logical and that you don’t let wrong thinking add to the cultural lies that have been fueled by ignorance.
I turn 40 in a little over a month–deep breath–and I had just had a conversation with some friends recently about the strange phenomenon of age and what child bearing looks like when you’ve given your fertility over to the Lord, and what it feels like to realize your child-bearing years may be coming to an end.
Now understand, when I only had a few children, I used to imagine that mothers of large families gleefully anticipated “being done”, with some kind of big *sigh*. And since I’ve had babies very steadily for the last two decades, there hasn’t been a lot of time to think about not having babies.
I was telling my friend that I had never had a miscarriage but I also was feeling, for the first time, the impending reality that very soon I would be done with the ability to create life. Heavy.
My children have been asking for about three months if I am going to have another baby. It’s such a bizarre thing that some people feel sorry for my children because they don’t think they could possibly “get enough attention”. My kids–every one of them–are so in love with babies, and so in love with the idea of another life that they can’t wait.
So it was with great joy that we were able to tell the kids a few days ago we were expecting. The dropped mouths, wide eyes, giddy laughs while bouncing up and down–you really had to see it. Beautiful, the way these kiddos love life. That’s the theology of “children are a gift”, un-jaded by man’s opinion.
Two days later, I began to miscarry. A completely new experience for me. Only a few days of the knowledge of a new life and they are a part of our family. We are naming, imagining, and dreaming of new born skin. To lose the baby is to lose a member of our family, even this early, and to pack up those new dreams and put them away.
I was unprepared for the way it would affect my children. I expected disappointment, but they’re children. I figured they’d say, “Aw…” and then skip off to play. But they cried. Long and hard. And after a few hours of not crying, they’d start crying again. My eight year old Avalee, after her first bout with tears, saw me several hours later, came and threw her arms around me, and sobbed again.
We are no strangers to loss. We’ve learned a lot over the past year about holding things loosely. But people are different. It hurts. But feeling pain in the night is a necessary part of knowing joy in the morning.
And then there’s a peace that comes because we gave this to Him a long time ago. We acknowledged that He is the Creator of life, the Opener and Closer of the womb, the One who gives and the One who takes away.
Blessed be the name of the Lord.
(I wrote this about a year and half ago and though long, some needed food for thought, I think. Enjoy!)
The following comment on the post, “Divine Appointment: Babies are a Part of the Gospel Picture” is a common concern and one I thought deserved its own post to accurately handle the different aspects of the issue (a little longer than usual, but needful to cover each point):
“I agree with you that the church should grow both biologically and not-biologically. I also believe that large families are beautiful, but I have a concern here.
I have realized that in very large families like Duggarts or Wissmans, the ones who de facto are taking care of the little ones are not the parents but the older siblings, including the schooling part. The parents are too busy because of having such a large family.
So, what is the point of having so many children if you cannot take care of them personally and have to put them in the hands of others -even if they are the siblings?…”
The Right Starting Point
I want to first address what I believe is our “starting point error”. Notice the question: “What is the point in having so many children”? which presumes that couples who give their fertility to the Lord have a motive other than just believing it is His domain and should be left to His sovereignty. The “point” isn’t ours to figure out; God does with His creation what He wills and that is enough. The only point is what these couples feel is obedience to God. (By the way, very few families will have as many children as the Duggars, so we’re really talking about a hypothetical to use them as an example.)
Which brings me to the next point: are we basing our decisions regarding life on pragmatism rather than principle or wisdom?
Conviction vs. Pragmatism
A couple who believes that God is the author of life and therefore the sovereign authority over when/how many/how often life is to come, doesn’t need to think about how that will play out practically. It isn’t irresponsible to obey what one feels is a directive from Scripture without thought of the outcome. (George Mueller comes to mind–a man who took thousands of orphans in, never turning one away, when often there was no food for the next meal.)
For example, if I have a conviction/belief that I am to honor my marriage vows, “for better or for worse”, I don’t take a pragmatic approach, drawing up a contract that allows me to recant in the case that financial hardship gets “too hard”. I honor my vows with zero thought to whether or not we would be better off financially if we were divorced.
So, even asking the question, “but what if having too many children causes hardship” sounds odd to the ears of those who have committed to receiving their children.
And that brings me to the point of the question, “what if the older children have too much responsibility?”
God’s Design is Made to Work
Truly, we are a fallen people and there are parents who have asked too much of their children, or failed to love them as parents should, or failed to nurture them in the Lord. This has always been the case, large or small families. The problem is not the number of children, the problem is sin and/or lack of wisdom.
But there are also factors playing into our 21st century mentality that cause us to view the balance of family and work inconsistently. When we embrace ALL of what His word teaches us, the pieces of the puzzle fit together better. But often wrong thinking from places other than that Word muddles our perception.
Entitlement Culture
We’ve all bought into it. We are such a prosperous, free, recreational and entertainment-driven culture that we’ve cultivated a pervading attitude of entitlement, especially among our young people. Anything more than a smidgen of responsibility is held in suspicion. The “normal” workload of families and children from centuries past would threaten to kill an adolescent of our day, and his parents would most certainly be questioned.
Older children helping younger children is a normal state of family. Or should be. But because families are so segregated, teens given so much free time and entertainment, the idea of it is abnormal to us.
Is there a balance between an older child “helping and raising”? Of course there is. But it may not look quite like we think it should. The comment, for example, mentioned “older children helping with school”. I think it’s not only acceptable, but preferable. No exercise facilitates learning as well as teaching someone else.The best thing we could do for our older children is to require them to help the younger ones learn. I wish I incorporated this more into our schooling.
Raising Servants in a “Crown Me” Society
I’ve spoken at length about the counter-culture responsibility we have to raise servants of Christ in a world that screams the opposite. Families are the training ground for servant-hood. It is very easy in this day to raise children who carry a victim mentality, but it is crippling to allow it. Again, balance must be present, but we teach our children that it is a command (and privilege) to serve each other (and Mom and Dad must demonstrate that serving); anything else is disobedience to the Word of God.
You want truly happy children? Get this one thing through to them: We are here to serve, not to be served.
Will They Want Children?
The single most important factor I see in how older siblings view the prospect of their own children is the attitude of the home and the attitude toward children. Children who grow up in a happy home, balanced with work, love, play and affection have little reason to dread their own home full of that joy. The quickest way to rob my oldest daughters of their joy is to separate them from their younger siblings. They delight in them, despite that a busy home does require us all to work.
Furthermore, the analogy would seem ridiculous in another comparison:
Suppose the family grows its own vegetables. Each year, the Lord blesses their garden and it becomes more and more prolific. We all know that a blessed garden requires hard work. Some of it is fun, some is drudgery. But the fruit of the harvest makes it all worth it. If a family is working together, praising God for His blessing, balancing work and rest, and enjoying the fruit, then the children grow up with a healthy sense of “how life is supposed to be”.
I submit it is the same if the Lord chooses to bless with a large family (which He doesn’t always do.) The fact is that if we *couldn’t* choose, these discussions would not exist. We would simply do what the Lord gives us to do, to the best of our ability and thank Him for life. Children wouldn’t be considered a burden, but a reality.
Our very ability to choose has clouded our reasoning and caused us to question what should be a natural occurrence.
Once upon a time children came and people figured it out. Simple.
What are We Training Them For?
A pastor (I can’t remember which one!) said, “If someone asks you ‘What do you do’, you answer, ‘I’m a husband and a father or a wife and a mother‘. It is a tragedy that we no longer view these roles as roles at all. They are so secondary on our life’s to-do list. And yet, they are actually foundational, making all else we do secondary.
Given that fact, what should we be MOST concerned with in the upbringing of our children? Preparing them to be husbands and fathers, wives and mothers! If I were training for a profession, my professors would likely want me immersed in the field. Why then do we fear immersion in the care of precious siblings? Whether our children marry or not, the most important thing they do in life will involve relationships with other people. Preparing them in a life of loving and serving others should be something we seek, not avoid!
Principles Hinge on Principles
Lastly, I would submit that a family who commits to doing the best they can with all the principles from Scripture, will find that things take care of themselves.
If a couple believes God should open and close the womb as He sees fit but ignores the principles of training up their children in obedience and love for the Lord, they bring hardship into the family and that will burden the older children. It’s not loving to my oldest children to receive children from the Lord, then ignore my parental responsibility and expect them to have to deal with the consequences of that. That IS a burden.
It’s taking the whole counsel of Scripture and putting it into practice in our homes. God hasn’t created us for a purpose and left us clueless as to how to carry it out.
Balance. Work, rest, love, joy, service, humility, laughter–a proper sense of what God has created us for will instill in our children what they need to carry the torch with their own families.
At the close of a sweet day, I just sit quietly, glance around the room at my different children, as my husband and I chat about tomorrow’s plans.
I saw a family picture earlier today. The kids were all so much younger, but it seemed so short a time since the picture was taken. That reality. That time is passing quickly, their baby faces growing more mature and very soon, they will be men and women. Ah! It stings a little.
When I only had two children, I never dreamed it would be like this to have nine. To keep loving so deeply. I guess I thought they’d all run together, that the “thrill” of it would weaken with numbers, and “too many children” would just be a chore.
I had no idea how wrong I was. I had no idea the thrill each one would give me–not just the day they were born, but every day. I still get giddy over the baby testing out his first sounds, like a new mother.
I can’t stop staring at their faces, they’re so beautiful to me. Oh we have days when I’m mad at them and they frustrate me; I’m not talking about rainbows and marshmallow days, no, we have real days like you do. But I see the gift in them. Every one of them.
And I am in awe of this realization tonight at the close of Valentine’s Day: God has given us these children as physical reminders and rewards of our marriage-love. And they help hold us together as we see that love–His love–reflected in each face, each personality, each embrace.
Most people think we just have too many children from some careless lifestyle or extreme religion. I think we have just the right number because it’s the number He has given us and He doesn’t count like we do.
To Him, they are people, not numbers–souls, babies becoming men and women, each another glory-reflection.
When you are 19 days overdue with your ninth baby, having had contractions on and off for weeks, it’s hard to know (or maybe just to believe) when you are finally in labor. But after intense prayer on Sunday, at around 2 am, those unmistakable contractions began and remained, confirming that I would not, after all, remain pregnant for the rest of my life.
Aaron and I, so excited to be facing “the day”, got up, brewed coffee and red raspberry tea and read some Psalms together.
After about five hours, we decided to head to the hospital, just because the contractions were getting much stronger, though still around 6 minutes apart.
And as my history goes, once in the car, they spread out again. But once we arrived at the hospital and I started walking, they resumed.
My brother and his wife had come to visit from CO, thinking by the first of April I would have recovered from having my baby 😉 Instead, they rode with us to the hospital and got to share Jax’s entrance with us!
My two aunts had also come with my mother (he was so anticipated!) so we had quite a room full of people for a little while.
I had already decided that I wanted an epidural, but I wanted it later in labor so as not to risk stalling things. I was 5 cm and contractions getting stronger when I arrived at the hospital and I labored until I was 8 cm and then asked for the epi.
The doctor asked me if he could break my water because of the high risk of meconium since I was so overdue. I allowed it because that was a concern of mine too. All was clear.
The epi only worked on one side, so I later got a boost. The boost was wonderful except that when they asked me to push I started laughing….”I can’t push.” So I performed what I could only tell was the act of squeezing my eyes shut really tight, but somehow I was pushing just fine.
Three pushes and that 9 lb. 12 oz boy was out!
Witnesses to the birth all agreed that after my natural birth with Ellia I was much “happier” and was able to enjoy the baby more this time right after he was born. I realize that is probably not the norm, and I want to emphasize that I hold natural birth in high regard, it just wasn’t for me this time.
He was wide awake and bright eyed when they laid him on my chest and he even attempted to lift his head. I was so impressed with the nurses that assisted me in that instead of insisting he lay under the warmer, they immediately brought him after his stats and told me to warm him “skin on skin”. The staff were very accommodating to all our requests and we did not encounter any opposition at all…an answer to prayer.
It was about an hour after his birth that I began to feel faint and told the nurse. She laid my bed down and I drank some Sprite. It didn’t help. At this point they were bathing the baby and everyone else was just sort of talking and then I waved to get my mom’s attention….“I’m fainting and I just wanted y’all to know”.
She told the nurses and then they came to check my blood pressure when they found it had dropped to 60/30. She didn’t announce that out loud, she just said, “OK, let me go get some other nurses.”
Two other nurses came in and the three of them began to massage pulverize my belly. I would have thought the epidural would prevent me from feeling that but hands down, that procedure was worse than any labor pains I had that day. It was at that point that I heard one whisper what my blood pressure was.
Aaron had ducked behind a curtain by then because he was getting sick, and my mom stood with me holding my hand. It was a feeling of drifting away and I was so afraid I was not coming back. I was trying to find the words/energy/concentration to call to Aaron and I couldn’t. I remember praying…”Lord, please let them save me…Lord, if I die, please comfort my children….” I whispered once to my Mom, “I don’t want to go”. (My mom is still recovering ;-))
Perhaps I wasn’t in quite as much danger as I felt, or at least not yet, but the feeling was all the same. They finally got my blood pressure back up and I returned to a normal state of consciousness.
Without going into gory detail, apparently there was a great deal of “matter” that needed to be expelled that was preventing the cervix from “clamping down”. Once that was solved, the bleeding stopped.
My friend teased me that since I didn’t go natural, I needed some drama, so there ya go.
All in all, a pretty easy and beautiful delivery. Recovery has been quite different, probably a combination of the intense massage and the big baby, but I’ve got a fabulous servant-hearted husband and children who make it easy to rest.
The Lord has been so gracious, teaching me to wait on Him to trust in Him and to depend on Him when I can do nothing. I praise Him with all my heart for showing forth His glory in every detail of this pregnancy and delivery, for bringing forth friends like you as well as in the flesh who have poured out love and encouragement.
I can’t say enough about my church family who is now showering us with food after our friend stayed for weeks and helped with the meals, cleaning and children. The Body has truly come alive for us and revealed God’s heart in a way we will never forget.
Just wanted to send a quick note out to say “thank you” for all your sweet well-wishes and thoughts on the birth of our son, Jax. I have savored each one.
(Thank you, Kathy, for the beautiful blanket–I think it becomes him!)
The birth went very well (I may share more details a little later if anyone cares to hear), though about an hour later, I began to hemorrhage and for the first time ever, I thought I was dying. My blood pressure dropped to 60/30 and I felt like I was fading away…very scary. So because of the intense uterine massage I had to have (by 3 nurses at one time), I am extremely sore and experiencing unusual levels of pain compared to my typical deliveries. But we are rejoicing that the Lord kept me here and I’m so thankful to be on this side of delivery, cuddling this sweet little (“little” being a relative term 😉 ) boy in my arms.
I cannot begin to thank you all for your prayers, love and concern you have expressed to me through these last few weeks. There were days when the knowledge of your prayers were all-sustaining as I battled with fear and a host of other challenges, waiting on this little fellow to arrive. I am so grateful for you all.
As a fun side note, throughout my pregnancy my husband joked about “how fun it would be to have a male version of Mallie”. Take a look at these photos:
Left picture is Mallie…
Jax is on the right!
Jax Titus Crawford
“Powerful Warrior, Defender”
9 pounds 12 ounces
21 1/2 inches
Updates by Kathy 🙂
Kelly is at 8cm, won’t be much longer now. She is doing great!
She won’t let me post a picture. ;o) lol…
~Kathy
(Envision very pregnant lady doing happy dance…well, in theory.)
After 19 days of being “overdue” by the doctor’s timetable…we are thrilled that the Lord has been pleased to begin to bring forth our baby in His time just hours before we were supposed to call the hospital to schedule an induction. “Thank you, Lord, for your sustaining grace and love.”
Updates will follow.