A beautiful, tough post from my cyber-friend, Jennifer:
“Some Sundays it’s hard to be at church. That may sound like a funny thing for me to say. Yes, I love Jesus very much. I love to worship Him and to be taught His word. I enjoy the fellowship meals, conversations and the love of my church. These folks are so dear to my heart. They are family.
So, what makes church hard for me? Babies. Little ones.”
Read the rest of When Being at Church Hurts
“And they brought young children to him, that he should touch them: and his disciples rebuked those that brought them. But when Jesus saw it, he was much displeased, and said unto them, Suffer the little children to come unto me, and forbid them not: for of such is the kingdom of God. Verily I say unto you, Whosoever shall not receive the kingdom of God as a little child, he shall not enter therein. And he took them up in his arms, put his hands upon them, and blessed them.” Mark 10:13-16
John MacArthur expounded on this passage and his points stirred some of my own thoughts. If you’ve read my blog at all, you know I feel like Christians, generally speaking, have adopted a jaded view of children. The comments made about larger than normal families reveal that we really do view children more as commodities–and therefore, too many are a burden. My ongoing prayer is that those who proclaim Christ (myself included) will imitate Him.
And as it concerns children, this passage is one that gives us particular insight about Jesus’ heart toward children. MacArthur pointed out that the phrase “he was much displeased” is from the word translated “indignant” and is used only a few times in the Bible. Jesus was often disappointed and/or frustrated with His disciples, but only a few times was he “indignant.”
Indignant.
We don’t like to see this side of Jesus. Not the always-kind, never harsh one that we’ve conjured up. He was livid. And really, it seems like such a small thing, doesn’t it? The disciples simply told the parents to stop bringing their children to Jesus because they were interrupting His teaching. They were seeing the children as a burden. (By the way, MacArthur also points out that these children were infants–according to the translation.)
I think this passage has two implications. First, is the general attitude we are to have toward children. If Jesus was indignant at those He loved for speaking of these children as burdens, does He not become indignant with us as well when we do it? I’m just pointing out a very plain observation.
And how about children “coming to Jesus” in church services? Isn’t that where we meet the Lord? Where we worship? Where our children see us lift up His name corporately and learn about spirit and truth? How many of you have ever been told you need to remove your children from the service because they might disrupt or interfere?
I think we are not afraid enough of our Lord’s indignation. What does he get angry about? Maybe we should take notice. Maybe it should make us angry too.
As a mom of 10 11, I wanted to attempt to dispel a few myths about moms of large families. Because we get a lot of questions, and I’m sure even more questions go unasked.
A few myths of large-family mammas:
Not at all. None of those things. From my vantage point, I’d say one reason the Lord has given me 10 children is because I need such a constant lesson in patience. We haven’t been given anything extraordinary that helps us cope with a passel of children. We just rely on fall desperately upon God’s grace and take one day at a time. And like any other circumstance, we do the next thing, figuring out what works as we go.
This is an idea we fabricated either from real, albeit false assumptions, or from an attempt to justify our birth control decisions. I know it’s fabricated because I only ever hear it from someone who hasn’t experienced having more than two children. The dynamics of a large family are different, in some ways from a smaller one, and one is the advantage of more inter-family relationships. While it may be true that a mom has to share her attention among more children, they also have the attention and affection of each other, a benefit not to miss. Additionally, if the family homeschools, (which is commonly the case with large families) the time together afforded them far makes up for the uneven ratio.
Similar to the last myth, this one is only heralded by those with no experience. I used to be one. Very early in my marriage, I didn’t want more children because I didn’t want to deprive another child of the intensity of love with which I loved my first. Then, I had a few more and realized how foolish the thought was. But I thought there must be a limit; because I assumed my neighbor with 11 children surely could not love all her children the way I loved mine. Now, from where I am, to think that was once actually a real, “rational” thought in my head is insane. I had no concept of the miracle of Mother-Love…the heart with no bounds and love with no limit.
Apparently, because I get lots of amusing comments about how I don’t “look like” I have ten children. I don’t mind those. Rumor has it that pregnancy releases “anti-aging” hormones. That’s a happy thought.
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I suppose there are people who maliciously breed for money. I’m not sure I’ve ever met them personally, but that doesn’t mean they don’t exist. Their existence, however, doesn’t make it standard. Some people have children because they choose to not choose to stop it. And they really, really love their children. They also are not on welfare and have simply adjusted their lifestyle to accommodate their growing family.
I had this experience once. A woman I knew gushed to me about how she wished she could have more children and she wished she could stay home but there was no way. Which was fine until….she told me how “lucky” I was. Honestly, it was a slap in the face. We were struggling financially. But we had made the choice to cut out more things–more meals out, more vacations, more shopping, more everything, so that I didn’t have to go back to work. The worst thing in life is not going without some earthly comforts. Whatever sacrifice we made–and we made many–was worth it to us and to our children, for me to stay home. I wasn’t “lucky.”
I didn’t drive the kind of car that woman did. My fingernails weren’t manicured like hers, and I had to forgo highlights for my hair at the time. There were deeper sacrifices too. There was a lot that didn’t feel “lucky” about my life, but being home with my children wasn’t one of them. I’ve never regretted the things I had to give up. Our lifestyle changed. But it wasn’t about luck.
Let me help you out: we have heard every joke about fertility under the sun. And every rude comment and every probing question. Yours is not, I promise, original. Therefore, you sound embarrassingly corny when you lean in, chuckle and say, “You need to get a television.”
And I would kindly remind you that we do not return the comments in kind, and you would be mortified if we did. It would look something like this: (a stranger walks up to you and silently counts your two children, then looks around for others) “Is this all the children you have?” “Why don’t you have anymore?” “Is it because you’re infertile?” “Or do you just use birth control?” “You know what birth control pills cause, right? Cancer, obesity, high blood pressure, high cholesterol…” “Maybe you should consider getting rid of your television.” “Can you just not afford to have any more?” You get the picture. Pretty ugly, huh?
(Sincere comments and inquiries are very welcomed though, but these are different than the aforementioned commentary on reproduction.)
Just hoping to bridge the gap between us.
Excellent read about the real problem our society has, and why it’s ignorant to wag a finger in the face of the large family. (Although that’s easier than owning up to our responsibility.)
“On my street, in houses of similar size and function, you will find mostly couples with no children or 1 or 2 children. …They all live in 3 000+ sq. ft. homes built on former prime agricultural land, with 2 vehicles, air conditioning and heating brought to you by some coal-fired power plant somewhere in Ontario.
It doesn’t cost more to heat-up 3 000 square feet for a family of 10 than it does for a family of 2 by the way. Except that with the size of my bills, when the weather is nice I open the windows. Most of my neighbours turn-on the A/C in May and turn it off in October. And while my pile of garbage is bigger than theirs, the truck moves for them as much as it does for me… and their garbage pile is not one fifth of mine, although their household is. Their vehicles are never full and move at least as much as mine do, filled to the brim. This March Break, we stayed home bar a 60 minute drive to the nearest ski hill. Half of my children’s school friends flew-off to a sunnier destination. And you are shaking your accusatory finger at me?…
We use too much electricity, we drive too often and we wear too many clothes. We gather so much stuff that we must now build air-conditioned spaces to store our things. Do you really think that families like mine made Dymon Storage facilities pop like mushrooms? Not only have we covered our prime agricultural land with asphalt, we now build apartments for our stuff! We got there while our population was decreasing. Could you be looking for a culprit at the wrong place?”
Read the rest of I’ve God 9 Kids. Are We Killing You Yet?, by Veronique Bergeron
Our lives are a result of our beliefs–our theology about everything. We make choices based on what we believe about things. Conscious of it or not, our theology comes out our fingertips. It’s a worldview, and contrary to popular opinion, or how much one dislikes that term, everyone does, in fact have a worldview. If you don’t think you have one, that’s part of your very worldview.
One tiny part of a worldview is how we view children. Our idea of their purpose drastically affects the way we live, the way we parent and the choices we make in life.
The modern church has a huge problem with its understanding about the purpose of children.
Children are not given to us so they can win beauty pageants, or because they’re cute. They’re not even to make us happy, though that is a fantastic by-product. Children are given to us as God’s very heritage, to propagate the gospel, to take a vital part in the Great Commission, to be part of the picture of the gospel, as representing the fruitfulness of the Bride and the Groom, to contend with the enemies of the cross.
The purpose of children, ultimately, is to glorify the Creator. And He uses them in all sorts of ways to help us better glorify Him.
My recent post on Facebook seemed to be a favorite, so I thought I’d share it here.
I ran into a sweet mom of 4 today. She told me that all she hears is “You’re done now, right?”
For those of you who say that to moms with more than 2, what does that mean? And why do you say it? And would it change your response if you knew that we hear that all. the. time.? And how would you feel if almost everyone you ran into asked, “Why don’t you have more children?”
And what does it imply of God’s created design?
That He forgot the cut off switch? That He just expected that we would *know* only 2 children are normal and after that if we don’t take destructive, body-altering drugs, known to have all sorts of side effects, then we deserve the comments meant to imply our apparent ignorance?
Why is natural so en vogue in almost every other area, but is virtually insane as it applies to reproduction? Do we even notice that we have let cultural expectations dictate what we call “normal”? It’s normal to have the babies God gives you. But the few who do are treated like misfits. It’s almost like making fun of people who don’t have tattoos. I’m OK with your tattoo. But I’m not a freak because I don’t have one. You made a deliberate decision to get one. It didn’t just show up one day.
In a normal marriage, and if God has opened the womb, babies will show up unless you deliberately prevent them. That’s OK if you want to. I’m not going to ask you why or imply your family is too small or that you must hate your children since you didn’t have more. But it would be so awesome if others would show the same courtesy. And even better, that other Christians would speak the language of Scripture when it comes to children.
Do you know what Rebekah’s marriage blessing was?
“May you be the mother of thousands and ten thousands, and let your children possess the gates of those who hate them.”
Is that the way we talk to young newlyweds? (Most often I think it goes something like, “Don’t get pregnant too soon.”)
God spoke of children–not just the first two–as wealth and prosperity, blessing and inheritance. The modern church ignores a lot of what the Bible says, but perhaps nothing as much as what it has to say about children. It makes me scratch my head a lot, I guess because, as a mom of 10, I’m sort of a “catch all” for the opinions of others about fertility. It makes me sad. Not me personally, not because of how much rudeness or misunderstanding I have to endure, but because of the impotence of the church as a result of our misguided beliefs about children.
God’s intentions were that we would not only love children for the sake of loving them, but that we would understand as He gives us each child, commands us to make a disciple of that child, we cooperate with Him in one of the primary and profound means of spreading the gospel. (Malachi 2:15 “He desires a godly lineage.”)
That generally, godly children would be the obvious fruit of a Christian marriage, and that would cause the enemy to quake. At the VERY least, a Christian who understands this, would rejoice when other Christians have babies, not make them feel like freaks. I’ve never seen reactions to children in the Bible like the ones we get so often. When the Hebrews were in bondage under slavery in Egypt, do you know what God gave them? More babies. (They couldn’t afford them, by the way.) I’m just challenging God’s people….where are we getting our cues about how to think?
And I may be meddling now, but I so long to see pastors return to a biblical view of children from the pulpit. It is your business, and it would revolutionize the church.
There are plenty of reasons, inscribed in articles everywhere, not to have children. Things like “poop, sleeplessness, hectic trips to Disney World and giving up a thousand freedoms.” And of course, “to have more time and energy left for the dogs.”
Those things are true. In fact, there’s a never-ending list of things children cost a parent.
But all costs aren’t equal. I’ve noticed most of the reasons to not have children hover in the “now” and are relatively shortsighted. There are expenses and there are investments. The temporary expense of children pales in comparison to the value of their investment.
So I offer you 10 reasons to have more children:
1. Companionship. They’re a barrel of fun when they’re young, and as they get older, they become your best friends (if you’re investing in them). Has anyone ever wished they had fewer best friends?
2. They share the load of life. Whether it’s emptying the dishwasher, or sharing the grief of a lost loved one, more is better, every time.
3. Each one changes you. Every child in a family has a remarkably unique personality. I could never have guessed how different 10 children from the same family could be. But the difference in each personality meets yours at a different place and refines you, grows you, expands you.
4. Children give you vision. Whether it’s thinking about tomorrow or ten years from now, children force you to look ahead and make better decisions about your today with their tomorrow in mind.
5. They take you outside of yourself. Every time a sweet-smelling newborn has been placed in my arms for the first time, it’s like the first time. The realization that a new, incredible, helpless human has been placed in our care is overwhelming and important. There is no love like parent love and the more we must live outside of our own cares, the better, I think.
6. They show us the world. Life loses its real meaning without the fresh awe and wonder of children. Children teach us to see the good in people, to forgive easily, to let a sunset thrill our senses. They make us kinder and teach us to appreciate simplicity. Each new child that comes along refreshes our perspectives all over again.
7. They keep you from watching TV. TV is fine sometimes, and I like watching it. But it also takes up a lot of time we could be talking or reading or helping someone or making something. And it bombards us with ads for things we don’t need and desensitizes our faculties. A full house keeps us too busy and too entertained by little ones to watch it and I’m grateful.
8. You get lots of gifts on holidays. And that’s fun.
9. As they get older, the investment returns. Whether its monetary, emotional, physical or spiritual, a family works like a body. When one part needs something, the others help compensate. We’re connected, and we all thrive or not depending on how we contribute and take care of each other. It starts in small ways–older ones pitch in for gas, insurance, food. But it may end up with adult children pouring into the lives of their older parents, just as those parents poured into their children.
10. You get to partner with the Creator of the universe, becoming a vessel through which the love between husband and wife becomes flesh, and a one-of-a-kind, fresh, new idea of God, full of possibilities is placed in your arms, positively soft and beautiful and captivating and unbelievable. A thing you could never do too many times.
Too important to include in a list, the all-encompassing reason to have children, for Christians at least, is to make disciples and expand the Kingdom through the first, natural means given to us. More than just propagating a civilization, we propagate an army for Him.
We must take responsibility for our part in the culture of death in which we now live, or be hypocrites, as we ponder the atrocity that is Planned Parenthood. We didn’t just wake up in a place where killing babies was an option better than having them. When birth control became accepted, it became expected. We essentially said we wanted to not have babies when we didn’t want babies, but we still want to take part in the act of how they are made. And with us being all in control now, an “unplanned pregnancy” became a tragedy.
Worse, we projected that expectation onto everyone else. “Don’t have babies too soon after marriage” (they will hinder you)…”Don’t have babies too close together” (they will inconvenience you)…”Don’t have too many babies” (they will cost you), and by our narrow allowance, babies–people, immortal human life, simultaneously, were devalued.
When the stigma is strong enough, the criticism loud enough, and the value of one’s own comfort exceeds the value of a new life, abortion is the second and obvious line of birth control. We can do our part, as Christians, esteeming and valuing every life, by echoing God’s Word, instead of the culture’s voice.
People get really squirmy when the topic of birth control comes up and I can attest, having studied and written on the subject for almost 7 years, there are few hotter button topics.
I’ve been begged to leave the subject alone, reminded that it’s “an issue solely between husband, wife and God.” And it is. But the ripple effect goes far beyond that, and it’s that effect I’m so concerned about, among Christians, which is why I keep tackling the topic.
Some beg for the lives of the innocent at their local abortion mill. And some beg with words, agonizing during the night, rushing to find a keyboard.
I have believed, and will continue to unless I’m convinced otherwise, that there is a short walk between the birth control mindset and abortion.
Hear what I said: “the birth control mindset.” This is a very important distinction. I am not saying, nor have I ever said, it is a sin to prevent or space children, upon careful prayer and discernment, within the proper understanding of life. It’s not a discussion about specific circumstances, or sick mamas or hard pregnancies.
The “birth control mindset” is one that treats new life too lightly, fails to give proper authority to the Creator, assumes absolute control over fertility and consequently establishes (either consciously or not) that the idea of “normal” family size is two or three children.
The birth control mindset inadvertently becomes hostile to the practice of forgoing birth control. And herein lies a great problem.
To the church I say: we cannot be staunch pro-life advocates only where abortion is concerned. It is hypocritical to fight for the life of the unborn, but insult the life of the born (and the mother who gave him life), where we deem his birth order to be too high. That is as good as saying, “you should have aborted those last three.”
You might say, “no, she should have prevented the last three.”
Which could be said to every mother walking into an abortion clinic. But her birth control simply failed. Yet we still clamor for that child’s life, and rejoice to see it spared. And we should. Just as we should celebrate every life, especially the life of a believer, receiving into his family the very heritage of the Lord.
Here are my reasons for believing there’s a strong connection between birth control and abortion:
“The connection between contraception and abortion is primarily this: Contraception facilitates the kind of relationships and even the kind of attitudes and moral character that are likely to lead to abortion. The contraceptive mentality treats sexual intercourse as though it had little connection with babies; it thinks of babies as an “accident” of intercourse, as an unwelcome intrusion into a sexual relationship, as a burden. The sexual revolution has no fondness – nor room for – the connection between sexual intercourse and babies…” –Professor Janet Smith,”The Connection Between Contraception and Abortion“
Planned Parenthood vs. Casey:
“…the recent Supreme Court decision that confirmed Roe v. Wade, stated, “in some critical respects abortion is of the same character as the decision to use contraception… for two decades of economic and social developments, people have organized intimate relationships and made choices that define their views of themselves and their places in society, in reliance on the availability of abortion in the event that contraception should fail.” (emphasis mine)
Janet Smith again writes:
“To support the argument that more responsible use of contraceptives would reduce the number of abortions, some note that most abortions are performed for “contraceptive purposes.” That is, few abortions are had because a woman has been a victim of rape or incest or because a pregnancy would endanger her life, or because she expects to have a handicapped or deformed newborn. Rather, most abortions are had because men and women who do not want a baby are having sexual intercourse and facing pregnancies they did not plan for and do not want. Because their contraceptive failed, or because they failed to use a contraceptive,they then resort to abortion as a backup. Many believe that if we could convince men and women to use contraceptives responsibly we would reduce the number of unwanted pregnancies and thus the number of abortions. Thirty years ago this position might have had some plausibility, but not now. We have lived for about thirty years with a culture permeated with contraceptive use and abortion; no longer can we think that greater access to contraception will reduce the number of abortions. Rather, wherever contraception is more readily available the number of unwanted pregnancies and the number of abortions increases greatly.”
Judith Bury, coordinator of Doctors for a Woman’s Choice on Abortion said:
“There is overwhelming evidence that … the provision of contraception leads to an increase in the abortion rate.”
Dr. Walter Larimore, who for decades prescribed the pill, tried to disprove the claim that the pill is abortifacient, only to find 94 scientific studies proving that “postfertilization effects are operative to prevent clinically recognized pregnancy.” He published his findings in the scientific journal of the American Medical Association, and from then on stopped prescribing the pill.
Why it matters so much
Christians must think carefully and discern wisely about reproduction and fertility. To simply adopt the culture’s practices of such an important, world-changing activity, without due attention to God’s directives, is not only unwise, but potentially destructive.
Where God said:
Margaret Sanger, Planned Parenthood & Pro-Choice Advocates said:
(So What if Abortion Ends a Life, Mary Elizabeth Williams)
Before we can hope to see abortion eradicated and life embraced as sacred–sacred enough to protect, preserve and defend at all costs, all life must become so.
If the birth control mindset causes us to measure the value of a child’s life by the number of children born before him, we do not share the mind of God, and deserve the consequences of sharing the mind of a culture who defends death.
We cannot mock what God has created and called good, while simultaneously claiming to be pro-life. As long as we do, we needn’t wonder why abortion is such a vile blight on our society.
Mollie Hemingway summed it up best in her piece, “Fecundophobia: The Growing Fear of Children and Fertile Women“, when she said,
“The media remind us regularly that the most important cultural value relative to family life is what’s euphemistically called “choice.” The choice of whether to have kids or not is held so sacrosanct that our laws permit the decision to be made many months after a new human life begins. Some even advocate extending the choice to a period of time after birth. So why the weird reaction to people receiving children as a blessing instead of fighting them tooth and nail with hormones, chemicals, surgery and scissors? Do we need some remedial courses in how babies are made? It’s entirely natural, of course, for babies to be conceived when men and women have sex. Treating the entirely expected procreation of children as something to be avoided at all costs — and an unspeakable atrocity if one has, say, three children already — would be weird even if our culture weren’t obsessed with sex at all times, in all places, in every context, at every moment.”
We are a freak show everywhere we go. It’s just a fact. My kids know. They hear it. They feel it. One of the things they ask me from time to time, after a stranger in public has reacted to the “yes, they’re all ours”, is, “Mom, why do people not like kids?”
Because the number of my children is irrelevant to each of their unique feelings. When someone makes a snide remark about the fact I have more than the average number of children, what they never do is volunteer to tell me which one I should exterminate.However, they are willing to insinuate he should never have been born.
This, I tell you, is why a Christian who claims to be pro-life in one breath but calls a woman crazy for having more than 3 children in the next, is an oxymoron. (I have had not one, but TWO pastors ask the question, “Are you crazy?! upon learning of my large family.)
And this reaction, over time, shapes a culture’s beliefs about children.
Why are we a freak show? Just because the majority of the population decided to stop having children?
Think for a minute:
If everyone shaved his head tomorrow, everyone except just a few people, would those chide the ones who still had hair? Because that’s weird. But the truth is, hair would become the oddity and yes, people with hair would then have to defend their position.
The one with hair doesn’t even say to the bald one, “how odd you look“, yet he will still have to defend his naturally-growing-hair position.
We create weird beliefs.
It’s even worse because we are conservative Christians. In addition to being weird just because we let reproduction do its thing, we also have ridiculous myths projected on us:
“Her husband makes her have all those babies because they believe in biblical submission and so you know he must be an ogre.”
or
“They are so smug trying to see how many babies they can have. They believe that more babies makes you more godly.”
Nonsense. All of it.
Why can’t I just have babies because that’s normal? Oh, wait, because that would make NOT having babies not normal. See, like shaving heads.
Weird, I tell you.
But the more important point in this post is not that I don’t want to be weird anymore. The stigma of having too many children will have serious implications for all of us. We are about to suffer a serious demographic implosion (and that doesn’t even include spiritual repercussions for Christians) as an aging population who thought children were too much of a burden becomes a heavier burden on their now-grown children staggering under the depleted workforce too small to keep up with caring for them.
The truth is, God knows a little bit about His Creation. And when we stray too far from the way He ordered it, we pay.
My whole point? It shouldn’t be weird to have children, even if you choose otherwise. And the fact that it is will cost us dearly.
God doesn’t think having kids is weird, and neither should we.
I love how Jesus urges us, no, insists that we become like little children, especially since I get to constantly witness the minds of children. If you listen closely, they teach things we’re “too smart” to learn.
“Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.” Matthew 18:3
“Unless you turn.” Turn from what?
A spontaneous conversation ensued with my 5 year old. She is curious and strong and is my child who just says it like it is; not in a bossy kind of way, but in a matter-of-fact-no-point-beating-around-the-bush kind of way.
I wish I had recorded it. It was so cute and fun as are most conversations with a 5 year old. I’ve tried to remember the conversation as closely to verbatim as possible. Listen in:
Kyla:”Mom, you have lots of babies. Are you going to have more?”
Me: “I don’t know. Do you think I should stop?”
Kyla: “How do you stop?”
Me: “I could take a pill or have a surgery to make my body stop.”
Kyla: (puzzled look) “Take a pill, like medicine?”
Me: “Yep.”
Kyla: “Are you sick?”
Me: “No, but you can take something to make your body not work right so you won’t have any more babies.”
Kyla: Eyebrows furrowed. Then, brighten again. “What if God gives you more?”
Me: “Well that’s the thing. I only know that if I don’t take the pill.”
Kyla: “I’m glad you didn’t take a pill. I would NOT want to live with another family.”
Her lively little face actually turned sad when I explained to her that she would not be living with another family but would, in fact, not be living at all.
And this fact, this looking into my children’s big eyes and trying to imagine life without them is what most propels me to trust in God’s sovereignty over life, even when my flesh fails. There is so much He knows that I don’t. About me, about our circumstances and about her and her future.
Just like my daughter counsels women each week who are contemplating abortion, urging them to consider that the life inside them is no mistake and is depending on them to give it a chance to live, even the babies-to-be depend on a mother and father willing to receive them. Babies whom God has known from the foundations.
Kyla understands that. She hasn’t been educated enough to know that people are too expensive and bothersome to raise and thus, easily and flippantly avoided.
Babies are people to her; important people. People who, like her, are glad they get to live with their families.
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