As happens every time the public is shocked with news, a vicious manhunt begins for the reasons “why” or “how” this could happen.

It’s no different with the Josh Duggar scandal except for one thing: opponents of homeschooling or evangelical Christian values are using it to perpetuate their already-loathing of these groups of people. That’s to be expected, as illogical as it is.

But some Christians are wondering too, doubting even, if in fact, Duggar’s upbringing could have caused him to plunge headlong into porn addiction and ultimately adultery.

Many may be wringing their hands, second-guessing some of their own choices, wondering “what’s the point” if it seems like how we raise our children doesn’t really matter in the end.

We love to blame, and we desperately want to know “what happened” so we can avoid it happening in our family. But that’s a decoy that will only make it more dangerous for us. Until we are willing to understand the real cause of gross moral failure, we are not solving any problems. (Pssst. It’s sin. Every time.)

Some of the Duggar critics, including Christians, have said, “He was too sheltered and that made him like a kid in a candy store.” Some say the Duggars were “obsessed” with modesty and that piqued his curiosity to a destructive level. Some say since he wasn’t allowed to be in the “real world” or because he didn’t date recreationally, he was overwhelmed with its temptations.

I’m calling begging for logic and a careful attention to God’s Word as we think about this with our own children. It matters what you believe.

First, the obvious:

There were 37 million people outed by the Ashley Madison hack. Of those, I’m guessing very few were homeschooled or raised conservatively. If the reason Josh fell into sin was his “sheltered” upbringing, how do we explain the other 36,999,999 million?

A parent who is trying to help his child stay pure and avoid sexual immorality is not setting him up for failure. He is obeying God’s Word.  I don’t find in the Bible, anywhere, a spirit of, “Don’t be too freaked out about sin because if you start getting crazy and treating it like you hate it or something, your kids won’t turn out right.” But that’s essentially a lot of what I’m hearing. The Bible actually says, “Avoid temptations”, “Do not love the world or anything in it”, “Flee from the appearance of evil.”

Our starting place must always be the Word of God, not our cultural assessment or opinion.

Ask the child whose parents allowed him free reign, exposed to pornography or allowed to call his own shots as a teenager, if that helped him avoid its temptations?  There is no logic in that.

Parenting truth for Christians

Some basic understanding of biblical theology is in order here. Whether you are parents as strict as the Duggars or not, if you are a Christian, there are some basic truths you need to understand:

1. Nothing you do will or can save your children. Only God’s mercy can.
2. Point one doesn’t, in any way, absolve us from our responsibility to raise our children in righteousness and truth. How we do this will certainly vary from one family to the next, but we are obligated to be faithful to our duty, even though the outcome rests in God’s hands.

Along this point, I want to refer to a specific example, regarding the Duggars, compared to Scripture, that make void some of the criticisms.

It has been scoffed that the Duggars have taught their boys to look at their shoes if they come across a scantily clad woman in public, or a pornographic billboard, etc. Some assert that such a “prudish” approach actually tantalizes the senses and makes sexuality exciting.

I ask, what does the Bible say? Could it be that the Duggar’s practical rule sprang from a biblical principle? And if it’s not a perfect rule given by perfect parents (how could it be), could it be a very earnest attempt at following the principles of Scripture, and therefore, not a reason for his sin?

“But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” Matthew 5:28

“Flee also youthful lusts: but follow righteousness, faith, charity, peace, with them that call on the Lord out of a pure heart.” 2 Timothy 2:22

“If you eye causes you to sin, pluck it out….” Matthew 18:9

And a whole bunch more about “fleeing” from the appearance of evil.

Given that adolescent boys (and girls) have hormones that are difficult to control, and since we live in a sensual world where there is no way to avoid encountering sexuality, how better can a father help his son, in a practical way, to avoid the sin of adultery in his heart, except by helping him avoid it with his eyes? This doesn’t sound unreasonable to me. No, it does NOT guarantee that a young man will abstain from lust. Refer to point 2. Our job is to do our part, obeying Scripture as clearly as we can, to instruct our children in the Lord.

If a parent has been faithful to try and help his children avoid immorality, but then he falls into sexual sin, we must put blame where it lies–the SIN. The same sin that resides in all our hearts if we are not consistently putting it to death. Nor can we throw up our hands and say, “Well, I guess it doesn’t matter how I raise my child, then.” It matters. God says so.

And a quick word here about another common point: a knee jerk reaction to failures like this in the homeschooling community, especially, causes us to realize that it’s true, “you can’t rely on a formula for raising godly children.” But it’s prudent for us to be careful about what we call “formula.” You probably take your children to church every Sunday. Could that be considered legalistic? Formulatic? Probably it could be or not. My husband and I have certain rules to safeguard our marriage. Is that because we are relying on a formula to ensure fidelity? No, but rather we are being wise, and attempting to safeguard what is precious. So while one family may rely on a particular practice for the wrong reasons, another may have the same practice with a pure motive of simply striving to do God’s will.

Parenting has two parts: our responsibility and God’s grace to save our children.

We fail when we:

1. abdicate our responsibility to lead our children to truth. This includes ALL the truth. The truth that there is as much sin within us as there is “out there” and that is precisely why we desperately need a Savior. Our dependence on a Savior then evokes a heart of obedience out of love. I believe the rules the Duggars established, though they may be stricter than mine or yours, were motivated out of a heart of love for the Lord. I believe it was their attempt to walk in obedience.

2. make rules for the purpose of saving our children or making them good. We can’t get it backwards. The only good any of us have is the spirit of Jesus Christ. Only the Gospel can save us and our children. We can’t wash the outside of the cup to make the inside clean. But as children of light (commanded to raise our children to follow Him) we walk as He is in the light. We obey because we love Him. We have rules because He gave them to us for our good.

If you, for example, homeschool because you think that is the key to raising godly children, you will be wildly disappointed. If you homeschool because you think you and your children are good and everyone else is bad, you are grossly deceived. But if you homeschool because you believe God has called you to disciple your children and you believe you need lots of time to do that, and because you want to help them avoid a peer culture that hinders them from walking with the wise (as Scripture encourages), if you entrust the souls of your children to the only One who can save them while doing your part to shepherd their hearts to love Him, then your motives are pure and right.

The summary of the whole matter?

The Duggars are not to blame. If anything, they appear to have been more faithful and deliberate than most parents I know, to point their children to Christ, to warn them of sin, to show them of their need of a Savior, and to help them avoid the temptations Scripture warns us about.

Sin is to blame.

Satan is roaming the earth, seeking whom he may devour. That includes us and our children. We are duty-bound to be faithful, to love the Lord, to teach our children, especially by example, how to walk in truth and to hate sin because God hates sin. We must be transparent with our own sins, always reminding our children of their desperate need of a Savior. We need to beg the Father for grace over the lives of our children and pray fervently for them–for their salvation and for their sanctification. And then, we entrust it all to the Lord. And we don’t blame ourselves (or other parents) for the sins of our children.

We must do justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with our God.

NOTE ABOUT COMMENTS: Since this post, my site crashed and had to be restored and I lost this post. I copied it from the cached version and I am also copying the comments from that version, which is why the gravatar is the same on all of them. I apologize for that but wanted to explain. (It will likely take me a day or two to get all the comments copied over.)

For a number of reasons (including an on-going 3-week sickness) I don’t even have the energy to write about this heart-wrenching situation right now. But if you’re like me, you’re pondering this in a bigger light, wondering how to process it, and what it means for your life, personally, when someone claiming Christ falls so hard.

But thankfully, Jess has already said everything perfectly, so I’m going to encourage you to read her article, Josh Duggar & the Problem We All Have.

“But you know what else that news drives me to do? Oh, sister… fellow mom… friend… Sister/Brother in Christ… it makes me look in my own heart and see the foul wickedness right here.”

Read the rest here.

Note: The confession in the Blaze article Jess links to is broken. You can find it here.

Secondly, in fairness, though Jess mentions Josh not calling his sin what it is, he did say in his confession he is grieved for the pain his sin has caused.

When I wrote Why Your Children Annoy You & Homemaking is Boring, it really resonated with you all. It was about how luring the Internet can be, and how boring it can make real life seem if we let it.

But better than the post, is a FANTASTIC book my friend, Keri Lamar has written, and is launching today! From the title, it’s riveting: PRESENT: How one woman pulled the plug on distraction to connect with Real Life.

When I read it, it was more than a great read. It moved me. You know those books? It moved me to act and that, in a profound way for the profound purpose of being more aware of not losing connection with my family and friends, and with life itself.

Just take a minute, and listen to her explain, on the trailer, what this book is about:

Because today is the launch, if you choose to purchase her book from Amazon (HERE) today, you will also receive these awesome freebies/benefits:

• 33% off the cover price (retail price is $14.99–get it today for $9.99)
• a FREE copy of the pdf (ebook version)
• the ebook version of the journal that goes with it
• the audiobook

*To claim your freebies, just forward your receipt to: Kerimae@ahappyhomemedia.com.

 “…a gift of beauty and grace…Her elegant passages and gentle voice had me leaning in with a quiet spirit and soul so that I could listen closely, glean wisdom, and be refreshed. Reading Present was almost like having a conversation with Lamar over tea…and as I evaluated my own habits her words never made me feel scolded or put down. She didn’t finger point but instead left me feeling reflective and nurtured while making decisions on how I can be more present in my own life. A beautiful book.” —Elizabeth Byler Younts, author; The Promise of Sunrise Series.

Hope, redemption, grace, cost. Dr. Rosaria Butterfield talks about her journey from a lesbian and gay activist, to meeting Jesus and what Christianity costs us. Her beautiful testimony is an encouragement no matter who you are, reminding us all that Jesus is the only safe place to run to, the only place where real joy can be found, and He’s worth it all.

She challenges me to evaluate my love for the Savior, to question, “Am I really willing to lose important things, if I’m called to that, for Him?”

SO worth the few minutes.

“I really thought I was on the good team…and it was a really disarming truth that it had been Jesus I was persecuting the whole time.”